The real reason why the Wold Cup is so good
I’m not much of a football fan, though I have watched a few of the games. I particularly enjoyed the one between Portugal and Holland at the weekend that appeared to be refereed by an official from the EU’s Health and Safety Stasi. It was great: the moment any player ran near one from the other side, the ref blew his whistle and handed out a card. Sixteen yellow cards and four reds: crazy bananas.
It just encourages the players, too: once they realised that they could have a numerical advantage they started flinging themselves all over the place, regardless of the situation.
The one I found most hilarious – and they were all pretty funny – was when Loius Figo, the Portuguese Midfielder, got a yellow card for walking into an opponent. It was pure comedy – Figo was remonstrating with an opponent about something or other and literally walked into the chap as he was ranting. It’s the look on this guy’s face – he was arguing away with the angry number seven then suddenly he’s a victim, he realises he’s subject to a grave injustice and he should be compensated. He steps back in disbelief (a look of genuine shock is on his face as he realises the awful truth that this thug from Portugal has actually touched him) a few seconds into his shocked stagger he realises that Figo must be punished and collapses holding his face, distraught in grief.
What kept me chucking about that little incident was that the commentators - who are always keen to buy the dives and feigns of the players so as not to expose their game as corrupt and practiced by charlatans – were full of the kind of moral indignation that we normally witness from nannyish ministers about smoking or smacking children or McDonalds: “he should be banned”, “that should be a straight red”, “there’s no place for that on the football field”. They were, of course talking about Louis Figo, rather than the ‘victim’ who had just fallen so dramatically.
Aside from the comedy and entertainment value, the World Cup also has an intrinsic social value which is actually tangible. The tournament has a hugely beneficial effect on the government of our nation. Ministers, legislators, civil servants and, most importantly, Spin Doctors, know that they can’t compete with the headlines generated by the theatrical prima donnas currently falling and protesting on the turf of Germany. They know that no matter how eye-catching their latest initiative, it will come second to Rooney’s foot, Ronaldo’s waistline, FIFA’s card-slinging this-pitch-ain’t-big-enough-for-the-23-of-us referees and the WAGs (Wives And Girlfriends, as you well know).
Yes, our masters have stopped making up new initiatives, policy-drives and agendas for the duration of the tournament. Has the country ground to a halt? Has it bollocks – I say it’s running better. So for all of you who like your government hands-off, un-obstructive and un-obtrusive join me in three cheers for the World Cup. On that basis I firmly support the motion to increase the frequency of these tournaments to every two years. In fact I move to make the World Cup an ongoing affair so that the next tournament begins after this one is won. Not only will that bring our government into a system of unparalleled efficiency and effectiveness, but also it will vastly increase the chances of Beckham and Co. actually winning the thing. And who knows, if it continues to be rammed down my throat, I may end up actually respecting some of the tossers that actually play the game.
It just encourages the players, too: once they realised that they could have a numerical advantage they started flinging themselves all over the place, regardless of the situation.
The one I found most hilarious – and they were all pretty funny – was when Loius Figo, the Portuguese Midfielder, got a yellow card for walking into an opponent. It was pure comedy – Figo was remonstrating with an opponent about something or other and literally walked into the chap as he was ranting. It’s the look on this guy’s face – he was arguing away with the angry number seven then suddenly he’s a victim, he realises he’s subject to a grave injustice and he should be compensated. He steps back in disbelief (a look of genuine shock is on his face as he realises the awful truth that this thug from Portugal has actually touched him) a few seconds into his shocked stagger he realises that Figo must be punished and collapses holding his face, distraught in grief.
What kept me chucking about that little incident was that the commentators - who are always keen to buy the dives and feigns of the players so as not to expose their game as corrupt and practiced by charlatans – were full of the kind of moral indignation that we normally witness from nannyish ministers about smoking or smacking children or McDonalds: “he should be banned”, “that should be a straight red”, “there’s no place for that on the football field”. They were, of course talking about Louis Figo, rather than the ‘victim’ who had just fallen so dramatically.
Aside from the comedy and entertainment value, the World Cup also has an intrinsic social value which is actually tangible. The tournament has a hugely beneficial effect on the government of our nation. Ministers, legislators, civil servants and, most importantly, Spin Doctors, know that they can’t compete with the headlines generated by the theatrical prima donnas currently falling and protesting on the turf of Germany. They know that no matter how eye-catching their latest initiative, it will come second to Rooney’s foot, Ronaldo’s waistline, FIFA’s card-slinging this-pitch-ain’t-big-enough-for-the-23-of-us referees and the WAGs (Wives And Girlfriends, as you well know).
Yes, our masters have stopped making up new initiatives, policy-drives and agendas for the duration of the tournament. Has the country ground to a halt? Has it bollocks – I say it’s running better. So for all of you who like your government hands-off, un-obstructive and un-obtrusive join me in three cheers for the World Cup. On that basis I firmly support the motion to increase the frequency of these tournaments to every two years. In fact I move to make the World Cup an ongoing affair so that the next tournament begins after this one is won. Not only will that bring our government into a system of unparalleled efficiency and effectiveness, but also it will vastly increase the chances of Beckham and Co. actually winning the thing. And who knows, if it continues to be rammed down my throat, I may end up actually respecting some of the tossers that actually play the game.
