Wednesday, September 20, 2006

UK Braced for Hurricane Gordon

Hurricane Gordon is set to rip through the British Isles due to a sudden reduction of hot air coming from Downing Street. Experts predict untold economic damage.
Update: Hurricane Gordon has been aptly downgraded to "Depression Gordon"

Lib Dem Conference Update

Ming Fanclub brings Brighton to a standstill…

Government to Ban Skinny Models

Having not banned anything for a while the Government has decided that skinny models are a poor example and should be exterminated.

The new legislation announced today is part of a wider programme to improve young girls’ self-image and reduce socio-psychological conditions such as Anorexia and Disobedience.

The new programme, lead by Caroline Fitt, Parliamentary Under-Secretary for Totty at the Home Office, includes a poster campaign (right) and medals for girls that have strong child-bearing figures, blonde hair and blue eyes.

Pope Invades Thailand

Reichsfuhrer Benedict marched on the Thai capital last night waving the head of dead Aussie hero Steve Irwin on a stick.

A Vatican spokesman said that the Pontiff was still working out whether he was sorry or not.

Update:

He's not sorry.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

1,834 days on, world still reels from 9/11

The 9th November attacks on New York have left their mark on the world. Increased airline security, dangerous paranoia, authoritarianism, pointless biometric identification, dull, repetitive headlines on at least 2/365ths of the world's newspapers, usually with pictures of the man who has done so much to promote terrorism around the world, yet more media attention on America, looser traffic in the bottom end of Manhattan and a strange feeling that something is wrong every time they do that skyline shot in between scenes in 'Friends' are just a part of the attacks' tragic legacy. And there's no one in New York who doesn't know someone who knew someone who used to see someone whose cousin was at school with someone who, well, you get the picture.

I think I speak for everyone at Policyblender when I say that 9/11 is probably the most significant event in world history since the death of Diana, and it will never be forgotten. The fact that it would have been politely glossed over by world leaders if it had happened in Baghdad, as some detractors might suggest, hardly seems the point. Now, 1,834 days on, let's take some time to remember the good work that the American and British armed forces have done since 9/11 to ensure that future generations will be able to look forward to similar events to bring them together, in opposition to people who are a different colour, and who have a different name for God.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Blair dies

Early reports indicate that Tony Blair died today, choking on some muesli. In an incident which largely parallels George W Bush's pretzel-choking adventure, Britain has lost its most successful Premier since that nasty woman from Grantham. Messages of concern have flooded in from political leaders across the globe, most along the lines of 'That's a shame, Britain, looks like John Prescott is in charge now'.

This is a Policyblender exclusive.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Blair to leave office on Monday!

In a PolicyBlender exclusive, we're positively delighted to reveal that Tony Blair will be handing over the reigns of the Labour Party on Monday, September 11th of this year. Observing recent media trends of announcing things as fact before they're officially denied or confirmed, this journalist is convinced that announcing Blair's resignation now, and stating the information as being from 'An informed source' is our best chance of getting rid of the smug, lying git as soon as possible and turning the next General Election into a proper competition between the smug git that replaces him and the smug git currently leading the Tories. Should we be wrong, and should Blair hang around until next May, then the election is merely a formality, and we'll be welcoming a new government.