Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sun Columnist to join Daily Mail
The highly respected left-wing author and journalist Richard Hilterjohn is to join the left-wing newspaper the Daily Reich.
Hitlerjohn, who issued a statement through his lawyer yesterday said that he felt "increasingly marginalised by the right-wing Blairite agenda [at the Sun] and Murdoch driven support for New Labour during the 2005 election".
The Daily Reich editor Joseph Goebbels welcomed Hitlerjohn, saying that "he will fit right in to our progressive, liberal, left-wing, all-white, male, pure, team of stormjournalists… I look forward to reading his latest comments on our proposition to give all asylum seekers a special free shower on arrival to the UK. His support for A.N. Eichmann's plans has not been unnoticed."
Hitlerjohn, who issued a statement through his lawyer yesterday said that he felt "increasingly marginalised by the right-wing Blairite agenda [at the Sun] and Murdoch driven support for New Labour during the 2005 election".
The Daily Reich editor Joseph Goebbels welcomed Hitlerjohn, saying that "he will fit right in to our progressive, liberal, left-wing, all-white, male, pure, team of stormjournalists… I look forward to reading his latest comments on our proposition to give all asylum seekers a special free shower on arrival to the UK. His support for A.N. Eichmann's plans has not been unnoticed."
New Hope for EUtopia Project
Despite the French, the main European cheerleaders, voting 'Non' to the EU Constitution in a referendum last week a leading political barometer in the UK has indicated that the result could not be disastrous.
Neil Kinnock, who is widely respected for saying exactly the opposite of what is obviously going to happen, told the BBC today that there was "no doubt at all" that the Constitution is now dead.
This move has surprised experts, who had previously considered the Constitution to be pushing up the bureaucratic daisies, however the Kinnock Rule has never been wrong before, so Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac are expected to press ahead with their "cleaning up exercise" to federalise Europe in secret, despite the 'no' vote from the French, and expected 'no' vote from the Dutch.
Rumours of an Irish government style re-referendum until the desired result is achieved are rife, with the French government hinting at disenfranchising "dangerous anti-constitution extremists" for the sake of European democracy.
It is not likely that Mr Blair will hold a referendum in the UK, as it is now blindingly obvious that he'd lose. With that in mind, Gordon Brown is rumoured to have reminded the Prime Minister that: "There's not much point you being here, then. Fuck off and give me a go."
Neil Kinnock has tipped Manchester United to win the FA cup.
Neil Kinnock, who is widely respected for saying exactly the opposite of what is obviously going to happen, told the BBC today that there was "no doubt at all" that the Constitution is now dead.
This move has surprised experts, who had previously considered the Constitution to be pushing up the bureaucratic daisies, however the Kinnock Rule has never been wrong before, so Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac are expected to press ahead with their "cleaning up exercise" to federalise Europe in secret, despite the 'no' vote from the French, and expected 'no' vote from the Dutch.
Rumours of an Irish government style re-referendum until the desired result is achieved are rife, with the French government hinting at disenfranchising "dangerous anti-constitution extremists" for the sake of European democracy.
It is not likely that Mr Blair will hold a referendum in the UK, as it is now blindingly obvious that he'd lose. With that in mind, Gordon Brown is rumoured to have reminded the Prime Minister that: "There's not much point you being here, then. Fuck off and give me a go."
Neil Kinnock has tipped Manchester United to win the FA cup.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Nun banned from shopping centre
A shopping centre in Hastings became the first to eject a member of holy orders for wearing a 'hoodie' today. Sister Margaret Jennings, of the Order of St. Clare, has been told she will not be welcomed back into the Priory Meadow Shopping Centre. Jennings, 84, was said to be outraged at the decision, and insisted that she was obliged to wear the hood as part of her habits.
Meanwhile, in nearby Eastbourne, a youngster was forced to wear hush puppies, instead of his usual Nike trainers, for the next 12 months, as part of an anti social behaviour order. It is hoped that wearing soft leather shoes, as well as a pair of corduroy trousers, will make other members of the public feel less threatened by the youth, who cannot be named for spurious reasons.
Meanwhile, in nearby Eastbourne, a youngster was forced to wear hush puppies, instead of his usual Nike trainers, for the next 12 months, as part of an anti social behaviour order. It is hoped that wearing soft leather shoes, as well as a pair of corduroy trousers, will make other members of the public feel less threatened by the youth, who cannot be named for spurious reasons.
Doctors call for ban on being a moron
What the hell is this?! Doctors are now calling for a ban on long, pointy kitchen knives, due to the stabbing risk they present.
Why not ban shoes, for the head-kicking risk they present? Why not ban string, for the strangling risk? Why not ban clothes, as they could be stuffed in someones mouth and used to suffocate people?
And people can still buy chainsaws without a license, and they can still buy shotguns 'for hunting purposes'. If people want to kill each other, they'll find a way. But if people want to roast a chicken, then carve it, they're going to find it very difficult to do with a spoon.
Why not ban shoes, for the head-kicking risk they present? Why not ban string, for the strangling risk? Why not ban clothes, as they could be stuffed in someones mouth and used to suffocate people?
And people can still buy chainsaws without a license, and they can still buy shotguns 'for hunting purposes'. If people want to kill each other, they'll find a way. But if people want to roast a chicken, then carve it, they're going to find it very difficult to do with a spoon.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Database for ID Card Ministers
Each Minister proposing that the state should database its citizens "for their own security" will appear in a new database under a new policy thought up on the cuff at about half five this afternoon by a member of the not very influential centre-left-centre-right think-tank 'PolicyBlender'.
The Politicians would also be required to pay the administrative fees for the new three-foot long cards, which PolicyBlender estimates could be in the region of several thousand pounds each. Each pro-ID card Minister would be forced to carry the card at all times, even whilst sleeping with someone else's wife.
Blunkett: card carrying loony
The Politicians would also be required to pay the administrative fees for the new three-foot long cards, which PolicyBlender estimates could be in the region of several thousand pounds each. Each pro-ID card Minister would be forced to carry the card at all times, even whilst sleeping with someone else's wife.
Blunkett: card carrying loony
Breaking news! Ken wins Eiffel Tower in poker game!
In a last ditch attempt to secure the London Eye for London, and save a million Parisiens daily confusion, Ken Livingstone has won the Eiffel Tower, Sacre Coeur and the Arc de Triomphe by going all in on two pairs in a game of poker against Bertrand Delanoe, the mayor of Paris. Livingstone stood to lose the Palace of Westminster (Big Ben not included), Nelson's Column and Tower Bridge in the unconventional move.
It is expected that the London Eye will be moved to Greenwich, as was suggested earlier in the week. It will be replaced by the Eiffel Tower, which will stand for three years, as was originally planned in 1889. Sacre Coeur will replace the Royal Albert Hall, which will be moved to the current site of the Natural History Museum. The Natural History Museum will be moved with the Science Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum to Bloomsbury, and the British Museum will be moved to Cairo, where the rest of the world will be allowed to come and collect their things after lessons, as long as they are good.
The Arc De Triomphe will be moved to Marble Arch, and Marble Arch will be given to Paris as a consolation prize for not winning the Olympics. It is expected that it will be placed at the Charles De Gaulle Etiole, north of the Seine, where citizens will be asked to guess what has changed.
It is expected that the London Eye will be moved to Greenwich, as was suggested earlier in the week. It will be replaced by the Eiffel Tower, which will stand for three years, as was originally planned in 1889. Sacre Coeur will replace the Royal Albert Hall, which will be moved to the current site of the Natural History Museum. The Natural History Museum will be moved with the Science Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum to Bloomsbury, and the British Museum will be moved to Cairo, where the rest of the world will be allowed to come and collect their things after lessons, as long as they are good.
The Arc De Triomphe will be moved to Marble Arch, and Marble Arch will be given to Paris as a consolation prize for not winning the Olympics. It is expected that it will be placed at the Charles De Gaulle Etiole, north of the Seine, where citizens will be asked to guess what has changed.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Blair talks about private life again
New Survey puts British men top of "this big"
In a survey unrelated to this, British men have been found to catch the biggest fish.
The survey was conducted by asking people how big the last fish they caught was and then taking an average in each country. Many British men were found to stretch out their arms as far as they could go, and then complain that they wish they had longer arms, so they could show you the size of the one that got away.
Brits call this a tiddler
British men also have the biggest cars, the largest salaries, and know the most famous people, who they could introduce you to if you fancied coming back to their place tonight.
The survey was conducted by asking people how big the last fish they caught was and then taking an average in each country. Many British men were found to stretch out their arms as far as they could go, and then complain that they wish they had longer arms, so they could show you the size of the one that got away.
Brits call this a tiddler
British men also have the biggest cars, the largest salaries, and know the most famous people, who they could introduce you to if you fancied coming back to their place tonight.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Time for Flat Tax to be on the Agenda
It's a sad state of affairs when the only party at the recent general election that had serious, radical and fair taxation proposals was the tango hued moon-bats of Kilroy-Silk's Veritas Party. But there it is.
Veritas were proposing a flat tax of 22% with a £12,000 threshold. That's it.
The taxation system in this country is absolutely loopy, with the reality being that those rich enough to pay for a good accountant actually pay less in cash terms than those who are living on the breadline. This under the supposedly 'progressive' Labour Government - even in the sense of the word that the leftwing prefer that situation is not progressive in the slightest.
A flat tax would provide no loopholes at all for those in the 40% bracket that pay single figures. They, like everyone else would pay 22% (or there or there about). Only, because they earn more their 20% will be more in cash terms - simple, init?
And, as the theory goes, because they are no longer able to focus their energy into avoiding tax, they will instead focus on making money, thus bringing in more tax also growing the economy.
How come all of the former soviet satellites, when given the choice of which taxation system to choose after the commies left plumped for a flat tax rather than our bureaucratic nightmare? I open the discussion…
Veritas were proposing a flat tax of 22% with a £12,000 threshold. That's it.
The taxation system in this country is absolutely loopy, with the reality being that those rich enough to pay for a good accountant actually pay less in cash terms than those who are living on the breadline. This under the supposedly 'progressive' Labour Government - even in the sense of the word that the leftwing prefer that situation is not progressive in the slightest.
A flat tax would provide no loopholes at all for those in the 40% bracket that pay single figures. They, like everyone else would pay 22% (or there or there about). Only, because they earn more their 20% will be more in cash terms - simple, init?
And, as the theory goes, because they are no longer able to focus their energy into avoiding tax, they will instead focus on making money, thus bringing in more tax also growing the economy.
How come all of the former soviet satellites, when given the choice of which taxation system to choose after the commies left plumped for a flat tax rather than our bureaucratic nightmare? I open the discussion…
IDS - "Careful not to Choose Someone Electable"
The Tories must take care not to cut out the aging party members that elected the unelectable Iain Duncan Smith to party leader in 2001 says the unelectable former Conservative leader Ian Duncan Smith.
IDS: not dead
Duncan Smith, unelectable, was elected by the mainly senile Cliff Richard fans following the defeat of William Hague in the 2001 elections, and was considered so unelectable that he himself was surprised to be elected.
He was overthrown shortly after when the Tory MPs realised that they could never get in power lead by some bloke that only eight people in Oxfordshire have heard of, all of which would probably be dead before the election. The parliamentary party promptly elected Michael Howard, who proved unelectable.
Current rumours from inside CCO are that the party is planning to elect someone electable as leader. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.
IDS: not dead
Duncan Smith, unelectable, was elected by the mainly senile Cliff Richard fans following the defeat of William Hague in the 2001 elections, and was considered so unelectable that he himself was surprised to be elected.
He was overthrown shortly after when the Tory MPs realised that they could never get in power lead by some bloke that only eight people in Oxfordshire have heard of, all of which would probably be dead before the election. The parliamentary party promptly elected Michael Howard, who proved unelectable.
Current rumours from inside CCO are that the party is planning to elect someone electable as leader. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.
'New' Lions to Tour NZ
The Lions draw with a second string Argentina side last night was a 'great victory' according to a media spokesperson for the tour party.
The 'New Lions', under the command of the dynamic duo of Tony Woodward and Gordon McGeechan, will introduce a dynamic and joined-up approach to the 15 man game.
The backs will not use zonal or drift defence, but instead be defending 'the third way' which is believed to involve 19 stone prop John Hayes covering at inside centre, outside centre and wing all at the same time.
By rationalising resources in this way many backs are freed up to try to win back ball lost by Shane Williams who dances away from support like a sugarplum fairy and then isn't big enough to retain the ball when he runs out of sidesteps.
New Lions: New Media Manager
In order to win in New Zealand, the new media manager for the 'New Lions' is said to have planned several changes from the traditional set-up. The new kit is to be announced before the party boards the plane today. Out goes the traditional red shirts, which are seen as 'regressive and unelectable', the team will play in noir shorts, deep charcoal socks and dark 'nero' shirts. They will perform a ceremonial dance before the game known as a 'Hacker' and have negotiated the use of the home changing rooms at each venue.
An unnamed source within the Lions' party, known only by the shadowy pseudonym "Alistair fucking Campbell" is said to have no comment on the rumours that New Zealand Captain Tana Umaga and pack leader Richie McCaw like to dress up as girls and kiss each other that he started earlier.
The 'New Lions', under the command of the dynamic duo of Tony Woodward and Gordon McGeechan, will introduce a dynamic and joined-up approach to the 15 man game.
The backs will not use zonal or drift defence, but instead be defending 'the third way' which is believed to involve 19 stone prop John Hayes covering at inside centre, outside centre and wing all at the same time.
By rationalising resources in this way many backs are freed up to try to win back ball lost by Shane Williams who dances away from support like a sugarplum fairy and then isn't big enough to retain the ball when he runs out of sidesteps.
New Lions: New Media Manager
In order to win in New Zealand, the new media manager for the 'New Lions' is said to have planned several changes from the traditional set-up. The new kit is to be announced before the party boards the plane today. Out goes the traditional red shirts, which are seen as 'regressive and unelectable', the team will play in noir shorts, deep charcoal socks and dark 'nero' shirts. They will perform a ceremonial dance before the game known as a 'Hacker' and have negotiated the use of the home changing rooms at each venue.
An unnamed source within the Lions' party, known only by the shadowy pseudonym "Alistair fucking Campbell" is said to have no comment on the rumours that New Zealand Captain Tana Umaga and pack leader Richie McCaw like to dress up as girls and kiss each other that he started earlier.
Extra! Extra! Idiots hurt self by being idiots!
This story was an entertainment. Two people, probably local, covered flourescent strips in petrol, switched them on and set them on fire and then had a light-sabre fight with them. Apparently the resulting petrol burns left them with a 50% chance of survival.
Good.
The less people like that in the gene pool the better. Morons. What do you think is going to happen if you bash two bits of flaming, petrol-filled glass together? I hope if they survive, their genitals suffer such severe burns that they don't have children, cause we don't need that sort of person making more people who are similarly stupid. I think this is an excellent example of the difference between those who can't help themselves and can't fulfil their potential, and those who won't help themselves and have no potential to fulfil.
Of course, if it had happened in George Lucas' native country, the lawyers would have been onto it within minutes.
Good.
The less people like that in the gene pool the better. Morons. What do you think is going to happen if you bash two bits of flaming, petrol-filled glass together? I hope if they survive, their genitals suffer such severe burns that they don't have children, cause we don't need that sort of person making more people who are similarly stupid. I think this is an excellent example of the difference between those who can't help themselves and can't fulfil their potential, and those who won't help themselves and have no potential to fulfil.
Of course, if it had happened in George Lucas' native country, the lawyers would have been onto it within minutes.
Monday, May 23, 2005
BBC strikes, Pope says Mass, bear defeacated in tree-rich environment
There's a strike at the BBC. Naturally, this wouldn't happen at a media company that wasn't institutionally left-wing.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Saddam on G.I. Diet
Exclusive pictures obtained by the Sun newspaper prove that Saddam Hussein is on the revolutionary new diet, the Glycaemic Index diet.
The man once known as 'the Butcher of Baghdad' is now a lean, very mean, dictating machine. Lock up your WMDs ladies, 'cause the Bachelor of Baghdad is coming!
The man once known as 'the Butcher of Baghdad' is now a lean, very mean, dictating machine. Lock up your WMDs ladies, 'cause the Bachelor of Baghdad is coming!
Blair Treated for Back Pain
Number Ten have confirmed that Tony Blair has received hospital treatment for sharp stabbing pains in his back. He was treated at London's Royal Free Hospital and is now recovering at Chequers. Downing Street spokesmen are insisting that the pain is due to a slipped disc, though this was denied by Cherie Blair at a recent Law Awards event.
"Slipped disc": common amongst politicians.
"Slipped disc": common amongst politicians.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
G.I. Craze Amongst UK Women
The Glycaemic Index diet, long the darling of Hollywood queens has recently re-re-launched to the UK under a 'good for the heart' tag. The G.I. diet advocates the ground breaking advice of 'eat carefully and take more exercise'.
The effects of the current fad are uncertain. Scientists hope that it has less of an impact on the gene-pool than the last time UK women went crazy over G.I.s.
The effects of the current fad are uncertain. Scientists hope that it has less of an impact on the gene-pool than the last time UK women went crazy over G.I.s.
EU Blocks Blair's Help to Poor Countries
Tony Blair's attempts to walk the walk as far as liberalising trade to the developing world are suffering a blow from the unlikeliest of places.
His old pal Mandy, the New Labour moderniser who set off to the EU last year promising to promote free trade and other British ideals, seems to have gone native. The Guardian reports that Mandy is now pressing Blair to drop his trade aid package aimed at addressing the economic stagnation in the third world.
Blair is the good guy here. His ambitions are admirable. The PC 'developing world' tag favoured by the EU has been widely seen as a bit of a joke, as it is precisely the EU, and its protectionist attitude towards trade with the world's poorer countries that has hindered the poorer countries' development. Blair's plan is to encourage sustainable growth by allowing these countries a fair shot at competing in the global market. As China has illustrated, with advantageous resources such as cheep labour, low production cost and access to raw materials, the 'developing' nations stand a good chance of some economic success. As with China, it is hoped that this economic liberalism will pave the way to social reform and individual liberty.
The EU's position is the same as any other protection racket. They impose trade restrictions that keep the European counties rich by keeping the 'developing' ones poor. It's a despicable state of affairs and Blair is making a positive and moral stand against it. Let's hope the lure of the EU-fatcats and their market control-freakery doesn't get the best of our Tony because, on this, he's spot on.
His old pal Mandy, the New Labour moderniser who set off to the EU last year promising to promote free trade and other British ideals, seems to have gone native. The Guardian reports that Mandy is now pressing Blair to drop his trade aid package aimed at addressing the economic stagnation in the third world.
Blair is the good guy here. His ambitions are admirable. The PC 'developing world' tag favoured by the EU has been widely seen as a bit of a joke, as it is precisely the EU, and its protectionist attitude towards trade with the world's poorer countries that has hindered the poorer countries' development. Blair's plan is to encourage sustainable growth by allowing these countries a fair shot at competing in the global market. As China has illustrated, with advantageous resources such as cheep labour, low production cost and access to raw materials, the 'developing' nations stand a good chance of some economic success. As with China, it is hoped that this economic liberalism will pave the way to social reform and individual liberty.
The EU's position is the same as any other protection racket. They impose trade restrictions that keep the European counties rich by keeping the 'developing' ones poor. It's a despicable state of affairs and Blair is making a positive and moral stand against it. Let's hope the lure of the EU-fatcats and their market control-freakery doesn't get the best of our Tony because, on this, he's spot on.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
George accused in oil-for-ssssh scandal
But the other one, the one with a Dubya.
This link might not work, but hopefully it will. Apparently (surprise surprise) the US were getting their slice of the pie, but they're now dragging Mr Galloway across there to say "Why did you take some of the oil we should have bought illegally? How are we meant to keep the gallon below $1.50 if you're taking some of the illegal oil?"
I want everyone to drive a car that runs on vegetable oil. Then the Middle East peace process won't be about oil any more, cause no one will want oil. The Middle East will have no money and one of two things will happen.
1) The Western World will let them keep kicking the shit out of each other, cause now they've got nothing we want, who gives a damn if they all die?
2) The US and UK will go ahead and slap Iran about a bit, proving they were doing it for the benefit of the people, not for the benefit of motorists and the directors of BP.
Please bear in mind that I am the least informed member of this site in your comments - I'd love someone to straighten me out, cause I'd love to believe people in the world actually do want good things for each other, regardless of where they live, what colour they are and what religion they use as an excuse for their actions.
This link might not work, but hopefully it will. Apparently (surprise surprise) the US were getting their slice of the pie, but they're now dragging Mr Galloway across there to say "Why did you take some of the oil we should have bought illegally? How are we meant to keep the gallon below $1.50 if you're taking some of the illegal oil?"
I want everyone to drive a car that runs on vegetable oil. Then the Middle East peace process won't be about oil any more, cause no one will want oil. The Middle East will have no money and one of two things will happen.
1) The Western World will let them keep kicking the shit out of each other, cause now they've got nothing we want, who gives a damn if they all die?
2) The US and UK will go ahead and slap Iran about a bit, proving they were doing it for the benefit of the people, not for the benefit of motorists and the directors of BP.
Please bear in mind that I am the least informed member of this site in your comments - I'd love someone to straighten me out, cause I'd love to believe people in the world actually do want good things for each other, regardless of where they live, what colour they are and what religion they use as an excuse for their actions.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Blair Appoints Controversial Adviser
Tony Blair stands accused of bandwagoning as he unveiled his latest high profile adviser.
The 2'1" (0.66m) lifetime member of the Jedi Council is said by many to be the wisest and most powerful special adviser to the Blair Government. Before becoming Blair's adviser Yoda trained several notable Jedi including Count Dooku, Mace Windu, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker.
Yoda - taller than Ian McCartney
Speaking to a press conference earlier, the elfin guru indicated that "Twisted by the dark side young Blair has become" and that "Much to learn, he still has."
Blair was said to be looking forward to developing the relationship between the two, but refused to be drawn on whether the recent quote attributed to Mr Yoda "War does not make one great" was directed at him.
The 2'1" (0.66m) lifetime member of the Jedi Council is said by many to be the wisest and most powerful special adviser to the Blair Government. Before becoming Blair's adviser Yoda trained several notable Jedi including Count Dooku, Mace Windu, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker.
Yoda - taller than Ian McCartney
Speaking to a press conference earlier, the elfin guru indicated that "Twisted by the dark side young Blair has become" and that "Much to learn, he still has."
Blair was said to be looking forward to developing the relationship between the two, but refused to be drawn on whether the recent quote attributed to Mr Yoda "War does not make one great" was directed at him.
LibDems Trump Tories on Youth
The Liberal Democrats have done a re-shuffle. At a recent Party meeting the previous 25 members of the LibDem shadow cabinet members and a few invited guests ran around the room until the music stopped.
Young Sarah Teather, 31 next month, pictured, managed to get the local government chair and Norman Lamb got the trade and industry one. Foreign affairs spokesman Sir Menzies 'the Merciless' Campbell, Treasury spokesman Vince Cable and home affairs spokesman Mark Oaten all kept their chairs.
Some meanie took four chairs out whilst the music was playing, reducing the front bench to 21. Phil Willis, Paul Burstow, Paul Keetch and Malcolm Bruce all were left standing. Lord Razzel didn't get a chair either, but will be allowed to come along to the shadow cabinet pass-the-parcel sessions anyway - as long as he brings his own jelly and ice cream.
Teather: Twelve pinter
Young Sarah Teather, 31 next month, pictured, managed to get the local government chair and Norman Lamb got the trade and industry one. Foreign affairs spokesman Sir Menzies 'the Merciless' Campbell, Treasury spokesman Vince Cable and home affairs spokesman Mark Oaten all kept their chairs.
Some meanie took four chairs out whilst the music was playing, reducing the front bench to 21. Phil Willis, Paul Burstow, Paul Keetch and Malcolm Bruce all were left standing. Lord Razzel didn't get a chair either, but will be allowed to come along to the shadow cabinet pass-the-parcel sessions anyway - as long as he brings his own jelly and ice cream.
Teather: Twelve pinter
Shock at BBC Bias Claim
The BBC has been rocked to its very core today following claims made in the Telegraph newspaper that one of its journalists who recently left the corporation after 25 years service is not left wing.
Robin Aitken, whose quarter of a century with the state broadcaster included a spell covering the Iraq war for Radio Four's Today Programme, fronted by Labour supporting John Humphries and Labour Party member Jim Naughtie, described himself as "a middle of the road Conservative"
John Birt, former Director General was made a peer by Tony Blair and now works for the Labour Party in a "Pie-eyed Thinking" role. The previous DG, Greg Dyke was a Labour supporter until his morals got in the way.
The Telegraph has accused the BBC of "institutional leftism". A separate editorial also accused bears of "shitting in the woods" and the new Pope, Benedict XV, of "being Catholic".
Robin Aitken, whose quarter of a century with the state broadcaster included a spell covering the Iraq war for Radio Four's Today Programme, fronted by Labour supporting John Humphries and Labour Party member Jim Naughtie, described himself as "a middle of the road Conservative"
John Birt, former Director General was made a peer by Tony Blair and now works for the Labour Party in a "Pie-eyed Thinking" role. The previous DG, Greg Dyke was a Labour supporter until his morals got in the way.
The Telegraph has accused the BBC of "institutional leftism". A separate editorial also accused bears of "shitting in the woods" and the new Pope, Benedict XV, of "being Catholic".
Friday, May 13, 2005
LibDems Complain about Polling Station Sign
A sign at Plaistow polling station has angered the Liberal Democrats.
In a message tapped in Morse code on the air ducts of the bunker in which they have all been hiding for the past week, a spokescomrade said:
"It's completely unfair - the sign clearly commands voters not to vote Liberal Democrat. We estimate that in Horsham this cost us 12,628 votes, whilst nationally we estimate that we could have taken another 295 seats without this kind of discrimination"
Anti-LibDem sign
Horsham was taken by scheming Conservative MP Francis Maude with 27,240 votes. The LibDems polled 14,613 votes.
In a message tapped in Morse code on the air ducts of the bunker in which they have all been hiding for the past week, a spokescomrade said:
"It's completely unfair - the sign clearly commands voters not to vote Liberal Democrat. We estimate that in Horsham this cost us 12,628 votes, whilst nationally we estimate that we could have taken another 295 seats without this kind of discrimination"
Anti-LibDem sign
Horsham was taken by scheming Conservative MP Francis Maude with 27,240 votes. The LibDems polled 14,613 votes.
Washington Lock up your Daughters
Gorgeous George is a comin'
George Galloway has accepted an invitation from some Americans to pop over for a bit of a chat.
He will swing by Senate on May 17, before enjoying a pretzel with his friend George Bush at the Whitehouse. His day will conclude with a couple of games of bowling with Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz and a romantic dinner for two with Condi Rice.
Galloway is currently in Portugal topping up his tan. He is expected to arrive with flowers for Ms Rice and a baby's head on a stick for Mr Bush.
Galloway: hot date
George Galloway has accepted an invitation from some Americans to pop over for a bit of a chat.
He will swing by Senate on May 17, before enjoying a pretzel with his friend George Bush at the Whitehouse. His day will conclude with a couple of games of bowling with Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz and a romantic dinner for two with Condi Rice.
Galloway is currently in Portugal topping up his tan. He is expected to arrive with flowers for Ms Rice and a baby's head on a stick for Mr Bush.
Galloway: hot date
Re-Shuffle - the Nightmare Continues
The DTI, re-branded last Friday as the Department for Productivity, Energy and Industry (DPEI) is to be re-branded once more.
The Department will now be known as the Department for Undermining Markets, By Adept State Subsidies (DUMBASS).
New Logo
The new Minster in charge of the department - or Chief Dumbass, as he is now known - Alan Johnson, persuaded Blair to make the change demonstrating his absolute power over the re-branded department by stating that "A man with a screwdriver" will replace the sign outside the department's HQ.
DPEI had prompted "various descriptions [including] penis and dippy", he said. On the whole it was thought that DUMBASS was more apt.
The Original re-branding (from DTI to DPEI) had all the hallmarks of a classic Blair re-shuffle - an attempt to do something, an argument about it, a u-turn followed by a last minute and costly name change for a department. Civil Servants at the Department for Constitutional Affairs still cringe when they are reminded of their name change in 2003.
A Blair spokesperson said last week that branding the department DPEI "was part of efforts to ensure the department was "refocused and reinvigorated playing a greater role on productivity". Clearly that was bollocks, but they seem to have it right now.
The Department will now be known as the Department for Undermining Markets, By Adept State Subsidies (DUMBASS).
New Logo
The new Minster in charge of the department - or Chief Dumbass, as he is now known - Alan Johnson, persuaded Blair to make the change demonstrating his absolute power over the re-branded department by stating that "A man with a screwdriver" will replace the sign outside the department's HQ.
DPEI had prompted "various descriptions [including] penis and dippy", he said. On the whole it was thought that DUMBASS was more apt.
The Original re-branding (from DTI to DPEI) had all the hallmarks of a classic Blair re-shuffle - an attempt to do something, an argument about it, a u-turn followed by a last minute and costly name change for a department. Civil Servants at the Department for Constitutional Affairs still cringe when they are reminded of their name change in 2003.
A Blair spokesperson said last week that branding the department DPEI "was part of efforts to ensure the department was "refocused and reinvigorated playing a greater role on productivity". Clearly that was bollocks, but they seem to have it right now.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
George Bush in no grenade shocker!
According to this article on NBC, a speech by George Bush was brought to a halt yesterday when a grenade wasn't thrown into the crowd.
With this fascinating story in mind, I felt the world needed to know about events in Central London today:
Tony Blair Speech Marred By Absence Of 17 Shots Fired!
Today in Downing St, during a speech by Tony Blair, seventeen rifle shots weren't fired. The first shot was not fired as the Prime Minister began to outline his plans for the next four years. Security forces surrounding the Prime Minister reacted instantly to the lack of any threat, but were unable to stop a further sixteen rounds failing to be unleashed in the direction of the Premier.
Further concern was raised when Michael Howard, until recently the leader of the Conservative Party, didn't take one of the shots full in the chest. As he didn't lie bleeding on the floor, he wasn't heard to say 'Blood - save the precious blood!'
Cherie Booth and the Prime Minister's children weren't quickly rushed into 10 Downing St, where they didn't remain until the absence of threat wasn't eliminated. The Home Office issued no statement, declining to confirm that there was no reason for alarm, and failed to add that the gunman's inactions were independent, and a terrorist group could not be blamed for the absence of incident.
An update on the situation will follow in the morning.
With this fascinating story in mind, I felt the world needed to know about events in Central London today:
Tony Blair Speech Marred By Absence Of 17 Shots Fired!
Today in Downing St, during a speech by Tony Blair, seventeen rifle shots weren't fired. The first shot was not fired as the Prime Minister began to outline his plans for the next four years. Security forces surrounding the Prime Minister reacted instantly to the lack of any threat, but were unable to stop a further sixteen rounds failing to be unleashed in the direction of the Premier.
Further concern was raised when Michael Howard, until recently the leader of the Conservative Party, didn't take one of the shots full in the chest. As he didn't lie bleeding on the floor, he wasn't heard to say 'Blood - save the precious blood!'
Cherie Booth and the Prime Minister's children weren't quickly rushed into 10 Downing St, where they didn't remain until the absence of threat wasn't eliminated. The Home Office issued no statement, declining to confirm that there was no reason for alarm, and failed to add that the gunman's inactions were independent, and a terrorist group could not be blamed for the absence of incident.
An update on the situation will follow in the morning.
'Groundhog Day' for Gorgeous George
Despite winning a large amount of money in a liable case from the Daily Telegraph and possessing a passion for litigation that has bloggers quaking, the Saddam's stooge allegations just won't leave our fiery friend alone.
Galloway with Tariq Aziz
A US Senate Committee has concluded the following:
"The evidence obtained by the sub-committee, including Hussein-era documents from the ministry of oil and testimony from senior Hussein officials, shows that Iraq granted George Galloway allocations for millions of barrels of oil under the oil-for-food programme.
"Moreover, some evidence indicates that Galloway appeared to use a charity for children's leukaemia to conceal payments associated with at least one such allocation."
French Satire
There were further shocks, as the US Government report also fingered a Frenchman - the former French Interior Minister Charles Pasqua. Both Galloway and the French had close ties with the Saddam regime and vehemently opposed the American led invasion.
Galloway has hit back, claiming the report is "merely the repetition of false accusations that have been made and denied before. Something does not become true because it is repeated by George Bush's Senate majority." He turned on his accusers calling them "a lickspittle Republican committee, acting on the wishes of George W Bush"
The kind of Bush Gorgeous
George doesn't like…
Be in no doubt of Gorgeous George's intentions: "These are the same false allegations which are still the subject of a libel action with the Daily Telegraph - so far I'm £1.6m up".
The UN also opposed the American led military action in Iraq. The same US Senate committee report brands the UN oil-for-food programme as "The biggest fraud in history".
Galloway with Tariq Aziz
A US Senate Committee has concluded the following:
"The evidence obtained by the sub-committee, including Hussein-era documents from the ministry of oil and testimony from senior Hussein officials, shows that Iraq granted George Galloway allocations for millions of barrels of oil under the oil-for-food programme.
"Moreover, some evidence indicates that Galloway appeared to use a charity for children's leukaemia to conceal payments associated with at least one such allocation."
French Satire
There were further shocks, as the US Government report also fingered a Frenchman - the former French Interior Minister Charles Pasqua. Both Galloway and the French had close ties with the Saddam regime and vehemently opposed the American led invasion.
Galloway has hit back, claiming the report is "merely the repetition of false accusations that have been made and denied before. Something does not become true because it is repeated by George Bush's Senate majority." He turned on his accusers calling them "a lickspittle Republican committee, acting on the wishes of George W Bush"
The kind of Bush Gorgeous
George doesn't like…
Be in no doubt of Gorgeous George's intentions: "These are the same false allegations which are still the subject of a libel action with the Daily Telegraph - so far I'm £1.6m up".
The UN also opposed the American led military action in Iraq. The same US Senate committee report brands the UN oil-for-food programme as "The biggest fraud in history".
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Hospitals Face TB Threat
The Guardian has reported today that over 700 hospitals have been advised to take precautionary measures against TB.
TB, which is short for Tony Blair, and its most virulent strain, PFI, a rare condition that attacks public services whilst claiming to defend them, is said to be a threat to many hospitals around the country. The PFI strain has a thirty year gestation period but once the effects manifest themselves they can be crippling.
Government Ministers with close links to TB are said to be taking precautions against the condition. Many Labour MPs were elected on an anti TB platform. There are rumours that those MPs exposed to TB will soon be culled for the sake of the health of the nation.
Cherie: Exposed to TB
TB, which is short for Tony Blair, and its most virulent strain, PFI, a rare condition that attacks public services whilst claiming to defend them, is said to be a threat to many hospitals around the country. The PFI strain has a thirty year gestation period but once the effects manifest themselves they can be crippling.
Government Ministers with close links to TB are said to be taking precautions against the condition. Many Labour MPs were elected on an anti TB platform. There are rumours that those MPs exposed to TB will soon be culled for the sake of the health of the nation.
Cherie: Exposed to TB
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Howard Appoints Work experience Boy to Shadow Cabinet
Georgie Osborne, pictured below, is to shadow Gordon Brown.
"He's fookin' chuffed about it" said his dad, Ozzy. Osborne has been criticised in the past for colouring off his page and onto the table but Michael Howard is keen to stress the positive side of his announcement: "Now the average age of the shadow cabinet is down to a mere 106" he said before falling asleep and knocking tea over his Daily Mail.
Osborne: Lunch money stolen by Soames
"He's fookin' chuffed about it" said his dad, Ozzy. Osborne has been criticised in the past for colouring off his page and onto the table but Michael Howard is keen to stress the positive side of his announcement: "Now the average age of the shadow cabinet is down to a mere 106" he said before falling asleep and knocking tea over his Daily Mail.
Osborne: Lunch money stolen by Soames
Independent Backs Policy Blender
The Independent newspaper has today backed the campaign led by the Blender columnist known only by the shadowy nom de plume 'Chris'. Chris has tirelessly campaigned for the last two or more weeks on the Policy Blender for a serious discussion over the merits of proportional representation.
PR for PR
The Independent's insertion into the campaign comes after Zimbabwean officials publicly criticised the British electoral system.
Chris said today: "Wrouargh! Bleuruuiigkk!"
He added later that the UK election had also attracted criticism from Belarus. Their statement was only available in Russian, but has been diligently translated by the Policy Blender resident Russian expert:
"Look at you lot with your high and fucking mighty democracy. We tried to get our observers registered for your election but guess what they got refused. We checked it out and your law doesn't even allow domestic let alone foreign observers into polling stations. Also if we wanted to observe a count we would have had to make an appointment! If the same thing happened in our country you'd have written a horrible report saying 'falls well short of international standards' and 'serious deficiencies in democratic norms', and probably you and all your friends in the EU and America would have made a big statement encouraging all the opposition to rise up against us and then we'd have been forced to shoot them and it would all be your fault. So don't come round to our country criticising our elections in the future, because yours are a big smelly heap of shit"
Belarus: a red state
PR for PR
The Independent's insertion into the campaign comes after Zimbabwean officials publicly criticised the British electoral system.
Chris said today: "Wrouargh! Bleuruuiigkk!"
He added later that the UK election had also attracted criticism from Belarus. Their statement was only available in Russian, but has been diligently translated by the Policy Blender resident Russian expert:
"Look at you lot with your high and fucking mighty democracy. We tried to get our observers registered for your election but guess what they got refused. We checked it out and your law doesn't even allow domestic let alone foreign observers into polling stations. Also if we wanted to observe a count we would have had to make an appointment! If the same thing happened in our country you'd have written a horrible report saying 'falls well short of international standards' and 'serious deficiencies in democratic norms', and probably you and all your friends in the EU and America would have made a big statement encouraging all the opposition to rise up against us and then we'd have been forced to shoot them and it would all be your fault. So don't come round to our country criticising our elections in the future, because yours are a big smelly heap of shit"
Belarus: a red state
Friday, May 06, 2005
Blair: What? Iran? I can't hear you
"The great thing about an election is that you go out, you talk to people for week upon week and I've listened and I've learnt and I think I've a very clear idea of what the British people now expect from this government for a third term.
Well stuff you all. I'm armed with a mandate and I'll be damned if I'm going without throwing a few missiles at another bunch of towel-heads. You can argue and march and write for the Guardian all you like - what are you going to do? Vote against me. Bitches."
Duel of the Demagogues
Did Paxman really think he could beat Galloway at his own game? Is it just simply that the group think at the BBC means that black woman good, white man bad?
I don't like Galloway. But I do admire his plain speaking, particularly around areas that are considered 'politically incorrect'. The left usually get all hung up on language in a self righteous effort to appear to be not offending anyone. Not our George. He calls a spade a spade. To their faces.
Paxman should have been asking him about why he deliberately targeted a half-Jewish woman with a seat in a predominantly Muslim constituency. Further, why he hyped up the local Araby to such an extent that King, Jewish war veterans and Holocaust survivors were pelted with missiles and her car vandalised. As he says, her being black has nothing to do with it...
Anyway, he didn't, and this is how Galloway, in a way only he could do, made him look like a fool:
JP: We're joined now from his count in Bethnal Green and Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: What a preposterous question. I know it's very late in the night, but wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational election results in modern history?
JP: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: I'm not - Jeremy - move on to your next question.
JP: You're not answering that one?
GG: No because I don't believe that people get elected because of the colour of their skin. I believe people get elected because of their record and because of their policies. So move on to your next question.
JP: Are you proud -
GG: Because I've got a lot of people who want to speak to me.
JP: - You -
GG: If you ask that question again, I'm going, I warn you now.
JP: Don't try and threaten me Mr Galloway, please.
GG: You're the one who's trying to badger me.
JP: I'm not trying to badger you, I'm merely trying to ask if you're proud at having driven out of Parliament one of the very few black women there, a woman you accuse of having on her conscience 100,000 people.
GG: Oh well there's no doubt about that one. There's absolutely no doubt that all those New Labour MPs who voted for Mr Blair and Mr Bush's war have on their hands the blood of 100,000 people in Iraq, many of them British soldiers, many of them American soldiers, most of them Iraqis and that's a more important issue than the colour of her skin.
JP: Absolutely, because you then went on to say "including a lot of women who had blacker faces than her"
GG: Absolutely right, absolutely right. So don't try and tell me I should feel guilty about one of the most sensational election results in modern electoral history.
JP: I put it to you Mr Galloway that Nick Raynsford had you to a T when he said you were a "demagogue".
GG: Sorry?
JP: Nick Raynsford. You know who I mean? Nick Raynsford. Labour MP?
GG: No, I don't know who you mean.
JP: Never heard of him.
GG: I've never heard of Nick Raynsford, no.
JP: What else haven't you heard of?
GG: Well, I've been in Parliament a long time...
JP: He was a Parliamentary colleague of yours until very recently.
GG: Well, most of them just blend one into the other, Jeremy, they're largely a spineless, a supine bunch.
JP: Have you ever heard of Tony Banks?
GG: Yes I have, yes.
JP: Right, Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago, and he said that you were behaving inexcusably, that you had deliberately chosen to go to that part of London and to exploit the latent racial tensions there.
GG: You are actually conducting one of the most - even by your standards - one of the most absurd interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an election. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Bethnal Green and Bow chose me this evening. Why are you insulting them?
JP: I'm not insulting them, I'm not insulting you
GG: You are insulting them, they chose me just a few minutes ago. Can't you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?
JP: Congratulations, Mr Galloway.
GG: Thank you very much indeed. [Waves, removes microphone]
I don't like Galloway. But I do admire his plain speaking, particularly around areas that are considered 'politically incorrect'. The left usually get all hung up on language in a self righteous effort to appear to be not offending anyone. Not our George. He calls a spade a spade. To their faces.
Paxman should have been asking him about why he deliberately targeted a half-Jewish woman with a seat in a predominantly Muslim constituency. Further, why he hyped up the local Araby to such an extent that King, Jewish war veterans and Holocaust survivors were pelted with missiles and her car vandalised. As he says, her being black has nothing to do with it...
Anyway, he didn't, and this is how Galloway, in a way only he could do, made him look like a fool:
JP: We're joined now from his count in Bethnal Green and Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: What a preposterous question. I know it's very late in the night, but wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational election results in modern history?
JP: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: I'm not - Jeremy - move on to your next question.
JP: You're not answering that one?
GG: No because I don't believe that people get elected because of the colour of their skin. I believe people get elected because of their record and because of their policies. So move on to your next question.
JP: Are you proud -
GG: Because I've got a lot of people who want to speak to me.
JP: - You -
GG: If you ask that question again, I'm going, I warn you now.
JP: Don't try and threaten me Mr Galloway, please.
GG: You're the one who's trying to badger me.
JP: I'm not trying to badger you, I'm merely trying to ask if you're proud at having driven out of Parliament one of the very few black women there, a woman you accuse of having on her conscience 100,000 people.
GG: Oh well there's no doubt about that one. There's absolutely no doubt that all those New Labour MPs who voted for Mr Blair and Mr Bush's war have on their hands the blood of 100,000 people in Iraq, many of them British soldiers, many of them American soldiers, most of them Iraqis and that's a more important issue than the colour of her skin.
JP: Absolutely, because you then went on to say "including a lot of women who had blacker faces than her"
GG: Absolutely right, absolutely right. So don't try and tell me I should feel guilty about one of the most sensational election results in modern electoral history.
JP: I put it to you Mr Galloway that Nick Raynsford had you to a T when he said you were a "demagogue".
GG: Sorry?
JP: Nick Raynsford. You know who I mean? Nick Raynsford. Labour MP?
GG: No, I don't know who you mean.
JP: Never heard of him.
GG: I've never heard of Nick Raynsford, no.
JP: What else haven't you heard of?
GG: Well, I've been in Parliament a long time...
JP: He was a Parliamentary colleague of yours until very recently.
GG: Well, most of them just blend one into the other, Jeremy, they're largely a spineless, a supine bunch.
JP: Have you ever heard of Tony Banks?
GG: Yes I have, yes.
JP: Right, Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago, and he said that you were behaving inexcusably, that you had deliberately chosen to go to that part of London and to exploit the latent racial tensions there.
GG: You are actually conducting one of the most - even by your standards - one of the most absurd interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an election. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Bethnal Green and Bow chose me this evening. Why are you insulting them?
JP: I'm not insulting them, I'm not insulting you
GG: You are insulting them, they chose me just a few minutes ago. Can't you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?
JP: Congratulations, Mr Galloway.
GG: Thank you very much indeed. [Waves, removes microphone]
Howard on his Way
I've just calmed down having walked back into the office five minutes ago to see "Howard to step down" beaming out of the Sky News feed.
'What?' I thought, 'do we not need that!'
Then, having read what he actually said I am most pleased:
"I've said that if people don't deliver then they go. And for me delivering meant winning the election."
Fine. And looks a bit classy against Blair's "if I'm a liability I'll step down" guff from this time last year.
"I'm 63 years old. At the time of the next election in four or five years' time I'll be 67 or 68 and I believe that's simply too old to lead a party into government.
"So as I can't fight the next election as leader of our party I believe its better for me to stand aside sooner rather than later so that the party can choose someone who can.
"I want to avoid the uncertainty of prolonged debate about the leadership of the party.
"I want the next Conservative leader to have much more time than I had to prepare our party for government.
"If we've achieved this much in just 18 months imagine what we can achieve in the next four or five years."
So this isn't him clearing his desk and buggering off as I had first imagined, it is just him being open about what everybody knew would happen anyway.
What the Tory Party needs is some stability - castles and sand and all that. If Howard stays until the Summer recess, it wouldn’t do any harm. They need to sort out which of the youngsters is in the running and have a gentlemanly leadership contest over the summer. If Cameron and Osborne can avoid standing against each other, either one has four clear years of intellectual discovery on the inside of the party and brand establishment on the outside before they take power from Gord.
'What?' I thought, 'do we not need that!'
Then, having read what he actually said I am most pleased:
"I've said that if people don't deliver then they go. And for me delivering meant winning the election."
Fine. And looks a bit classy against Blair's "if I'm a liability I'll step down" guff from this time last year.
"I'm 63 years old. At the time of the next election in four or five years' time I'll be 67 or 68 and I believe that's simply too old to lead a party into government.
"So as I can't fight the next election as leader of our party I believe its better for me to stand aside sooner rather than later so that the party can choose someone who can.
"I want to avoid the uncertainty of prolonged debate about the leadership of the party.
"I want the next Conservative leader to have much more time than I had to prepare our party for government.
"If we've achieved this much in just 18 months imagine what we can achieve in the next four or five years."
So this isn't him clearing his desk and buggering off as I had first imagined, it is just him being open about what everybody knew would happen anyway.
What the Tory Party needs is some stability - castles and sand and all that. If Howard stays until the Summer recess, it wouldn’t do any harm. They need to sort out which of the youngsters is in the running and have a gentlemanly leadership contest over the summer. If Cameron and Osborne can avoid standing against each other, either one has four clear years of intellectual discovery on the inside of the party and brand establishment on the outside before they take power from Gord.
Matt's highlights of the night
Dawn on Another Blair Government
Here we go again.
Blair is back, intact, albeit with a reduced majority.
The Tories made gains but nothing spectacular. This could be a problem for them, even though it ensures stability for the leadership for the while, the gradual gains may dissuade the Tories from some of the wholesale reforms and re-introduce the libertarianism that could distinguish them from the others.
The LibDems are claiming to be the real party of opposition. Not sure why, they really didn’t live up to the potential that their anti-war stance indicated that they could.
Happy Birthday Tony.
The BBC are baying for Howard’s blood. But then they would wouldn’t they?
The fun bit now is assessing how secure Blair feels by monitoring his cabinet reshuffle. It’ll probably be Brownites out, Blairites in. Rumours include John Reid to FCO, Blunkett to take the Local Government and Housing briefs from the DPM. Blears to move sideways to HMT.
Will Blair serve the full third term as he said? Will he bollocks.
Blair is back, intact, albeit with a reduced majority.
The Tories made gains but nothing spectacular. This could be a problem for them, even though it ensures stability for the leadership for the while, the gradual gains may dissuade the Tories from some of the wholesale reforms and re-introduce the libertarianism that could distinguish them from the others.
The LibDems are claiming to be the real party of opposition. Not sure why, they really didn’t live up to the potential that their anti-war stance indicated that they could.
Happy Birthday Tony.
The BBC are baying for Howard’s blood. But then they would wouldn’t they?
The fun bit now is assessing how secure Blair feels by monitoring his cabinet reshuffle. It’ll probably be Brownites out, Blairites in. Rumours include John Reid to FCO, Blunkett to take the Local Government and Housing briefs from the DPM. Blears to move sideways to HMT.
Will Blair serve the full third term as he said? Will he bollocks.
Election Live Blogging – 03:15
Bedtime…
Latest BBC forecast LAB : 359 CON :199 LDM : 59 , again, probably bollocks
Tories take Monmouth from Labour
Adam Afriate takes Windsor for the Tories. BBC interview him because he’s black.
LibDems take Leeds North West from Labour
Tories take Hemmel Hempstead from Labour
Tories take Guildford from the LibDems in a real squeaker
Tories take Weston-Super-Mare from LibDems
Tories take Harwich
Labour anti-war candidates doing well
Boris’ dad hasn’t taken Teignbridge
Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper (husband and wife) both elected. Ed was special adviser to the Chancellor, known as ‘the Deputy Chancellor’. Yvette is a junior minister at ODPM. Both are key Brown allies.
The (already) controversial Tory, Greg Hands, takes Hammersmith and Fulham from Labour
Blair predicts a third term
Night night
LAB – 22, CON + 15, LDM +5 (as it stands at 3:15)
Latest BBC forecast LAB : 359 CON :199 LDM : 59 , again, probably bollocks
Tories take Monmouth from Labour
Adam Afriate takes Windsor for the Tories. BBC interview him because he’s black.
LibDems take Leeds North West from Labour
Tories take Hemmel Hempstead from Labour
Tories take Guildford from the LibDems in a real squeaker
Tories take Weston-Super-Mare from LibDems
Tories take Harwich
Labour anti-war candidates doing well
Boris’ dad hasn’t taken Teignbridge
Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper (husband and wife) both elected. Ed was special adviser to the Chancellor, known as ‘the Deputy Chancellor’. Yvette is a junior minister at ODPM. Both are key Brown allies.
The (already) controversial Tory, Greg Hands, takes Hammersmith and Fulham from Labour
Blair predicts a third term
Night night
LAB – 22, CON + 15, LDM +5 (as it stands at 3:15)
Election Live Blogging – 03:00
Tories doing well in London
SNP takes Dundee East from Labour
Tories take Shrewsbury and Atcham from Labour
Blair gets a verbal bashing from Reg Keys who stood against him following the death of his son in Iraq.
Dr Richard Taylor retains the Wyre Forest seat as an independent. He took it off Labour in 1997 on a platform to save Kidderminster Hospital.
LAB – 16, CON + 8, LDM +6
SNP takes Dundee East from Labour
Tories take Shrewsbury and Atcham from Labour
Blair gets a verbal bashing from Reg Keys who stood against him following the death of his son in Iraq.
Dr Richard Taylor retains the Wyre Forest seat as an independent. He took it off Labour in 1997 on a platform to save Kidderminster Hospital.
LAB – 16, CON + 8, LDM +6
Election Live Blogging – 02:45
Tories take Enfield Southgate from Labour (Portillo lost it to Steven Twig in ’97). Twig was Schools Minister. 9% swing for this one
Labour press office reports that Oona King has lost to Gorgeous George
Ruth Kelly squeaks in in Bolton West (Tory swing of 4%)
Looks like the Tories will make good gains but nothing spectacular.
LibDems squeak Rochdale from Labour
Tories take Shipley from Labour
LAB – 14, CON + 7, LDM +6
Labour press office reports that Oona King has lost to Gorgeous George
Ruth Kelly squeaks in in Bolton West (Tory swing of 4%)
Looks like the Tories will make good gains but nothing spectacular.
LibDems squeak Rochdale from Labour
Tories take Shipley from Labour
LAB – 14, CON + 7, LDM +6
Election Live Blogging – 02:30
Damnit, Blair holds Sedgefield. Cherie looks even rougher than normal.
LibDems take Cardiff Central from Labour
Labour still well ahead
John Reid re-elected (rumors of him being the next Foreign Sec, though that may be a sick joke – certainly would be for any foreigners)
Blair sounds unusually humble – is he thinking of quitting sooner?
Tories take Wimbledon from Labour (huge swing – 7%)
LibDems take Birmingham Yardley from Labour
LAB – 11, CON + 5, LDM +5
LibDems take Cardiff Central from Labour
Labour still well ahead
John Reid re-elected (rumors of him being the next Foreign Sec, though that may be a sick joke – certainly would be for any foreigners)
Blair sounds unusually humble – is he thinking of quitting sooner?
Tories take Wimbledon from Labour (huge swing – 7%)
LibDems take Birmingham Yardley from Labour
LAB – 11, CON + 5, LDM +5
Election Live Blogging – 02:15
Peter Law does indeed take Bleanau Gwent from Labour. That’s an independednt gain from Labour by over 9000 votes.
Ilford North declares – Tory gain from Labour (4.6% swing to Tories)
Campbell: “looks like a good win… Tories flat on their backs”
Peter Law (Bleanau Gwent): “This is what you get when you don’t listen to the people”
LibDems take unpronounceable seat from Plaid in Wales
LAB – 7, CON + 4, LDM +2
Ilford North declares – Tory gain from Labour (4.6% swing to Tories)
Campbell: “looks like a good win… Tories flat on their backs”
Peter Law (Bleanau Gwent): “This is what you get when you don’t listen to the people”
LibDems take unpronounceable seat from Plaid in Wales
LAB – 7, CON + 4, LDM +2
Election Live Blogging – 02:00
Paxman interrupts Jack Straw to go live to David Dimbleby who says “not quite sure what to read into Blair’s face here… he looks… determined”
Recount in Rochdale (LAB/LDM contest here)
Recount confirmed in Shipley
LibDems take East Dunbartonshire from Labour (boundary changes)
BBC forecast result LAB: 357 CON : 201 LDM 59 (LAB 68 majority) – probably bollocks
Galloway looking happy
LibDems take Labours London seat of Hornsey and Wood Green (15% swing)
Labour just hold Hove – that was a Tory target
BBC amazed that Tories have more ethnic candidates than either of the other two parties.
LibDems decapitation strategy fails considerably as Theresa May increases her majority by over 3000 (6%)
LAB – 5, CON + 3, LDM +1
Recount in Rochdale (LAB/LDM contest here)
Recount confirmed in Shipley
LibDems take East Dunbartonshire from Labour (boundary changes)
BBC forecast result LAB: 357 CON : 201 LDM 59 (LAB 68 majority) – probably bollocks
Galloway looking happy
LibDems take Labours London seat of Hornsey and Wood Green (15% swing)
Labour just hold Hove – that was a Tory target
BBC amazed that Tories have more ethnic candidates than either of the other two parties.
LibDems decapitation strategy fails considerably as Theresa May increases her majority by over 3000 (6%)
LAB – 5, CON + 3, LDM +1
Election Live Blogging – 01:45
LibDems doing badly against Tories
Re-count in Shipley (2001 LAB 1400 majority)
Rumors of a re-count in Chris Smith’s old Islington seat.
Ilford South expected to be taken from Labour by the Tories
Labour 90 seats ahead (though the Tory seats always come in later – see below)
Second re-count in Battersea – tighter than a badgers arse
Milburn has told Blair he doesn’t want to be in the next Cabinet
LAB – 3, CON + 3, LDM n/c
Re-count in Shipley (2001 LAB 1400 majority)
Rumors of a re-count in Chris Smith’s old Islington seat.
Ilford South expected to be taken from Labour by the Tories
Labour 90 seats ahead (though the Tory seats always come in later – see below)
Second re-count in Battersea – tighter than a badgers arse
Milburn has told Blair he doesn’t want to be in the next Cabinet
LAB – 3, CON + 3, LDM n/c
Election Live Blogging – 01:30
LibDems are claiming to have taken Birmingham Yardley from Labour
More murmurings of Tory gains from Labour in the South East, but no results in as yet.
Robin Cook holds.
Labour demand a recount in Manchester Willington as LibDems appear to take
Tories take Peterborough from Labour (7% swing)
Tories take Newbury from LibDems
The SNP take Western Isles from Labour
The SNP win and the Peterborough win for the Tories makes it:
LAB – 3, CON + 3, LDM -1
More murmurings of Tory gains from Labour in the South East, but no results in as yet.
Robin Cook holds.
Labour demand a recount in Manchester Willington as LibDems appear to take
Tories take Peterborough from Labour (7% swing)
Tories take Newbury from LibDems
The SNP take Western Isles from Labour
The SNP win and the Peterborough win for the Tories makes it:
LAB – 3, CON + 3, LDM -1
Election Live Blogging – 01:15
Blunkett majority down by 3000.
Cabinet Ministers Blears and Milliband re-elected.
Gordon Brown re-elected (new boundaries). If his acceptance speech is anything to go by we don’t want him as PM. Zzzzzz Come on Gord, it’s late!
Possible re-count in Battersea – Tories running Labour close there
Tories run LibDems close in Torbay, even with UKIP taking over 3000 votes.
Milburn, Benn and McCartney hold seats.
Jack Straw keeps Blackburn despite fears that the high Muslim population would vote against the war.
Big swings away from Labour in each seat but still officially:
LAB – 1, CON + 1, LDM n/c
Cabinet Ministers Blears and Milliband re-elected.
Gordon Brown re-elected (new boundaries). If his acceptance speech is anything to go by we don’t want him as PM. Zzzzzz Come on Gord, it’s late!
Possible re-count in Battersea – Tories running Labour close there
Tories run LibDems close in Torbay, even with UKIP taking over 3000 votes.
Milburn, Benn and McCartney hold seats.
Jack Straw keeps Blackburn despite fears that the high Muslim population would vote against the war.
Big swings away from Labour in each seat but still officially:
LAB – 1, CON + 1, LDM n/c
Election Live Blogging – 01:00
Menzies the Merciless becomes the first LibDem elected this time
Labour concede in Gwent to the now independent former Labour WAM Peter Law
Chris Pond (Lab) in trouble next door to Bob Marshal-Andrews - not looking good for Labour in the South East. Bob Blaming Blair on BBC.
Blunkett re-elected.
Prescott re-elected. Shock as acceptance speech coherent: “We clearly will be the Government”
Still officially LAB – 1, CON + 1, LDM n/c
Labour concede in Gwent to the now independent former Labour WAM Peter Law
Chris Pond (Lab) in trouble next door to Bob Marshal-Andrews - not looking good for Labour in the South East. Bob Blaming Blair on BBC.
Blunkett re-elected.
Prescott re-elected. Shock as acceptance speech coherent: “We clearly will be the Government”
Still officially LAB – 1, CON + 1, LDM n/c
Election Live Blogging - 00:45
Election Live Blogging - 00:45
Exit Polls crap again.
Labour off to the expected flying start (because their safer constituencies are urban areas and therefore the ballot boxes return to the count faster than those in Tory countryside seats)
Labour losing votes both to Tories and the LibDems
Tories take Putney back from Labour, as expected.
No Tory is talking up anything other than a reduced Labour majority.
Rumors that Medway is going to the Tories (from maverick Labour MP Bob Marshall-Andrews)
Looking good for Gorgeous George in Bethnal Green and Bow
BBC talking down Tories
Exit Polls crap again.
Labour off to the expected flying start (because their safer constituencies are urban areas and therefore the ballot boxes return to the count faster than those in Tory countryside seats)
Labour losing votes both to Tories and the LibDems
Tories take Putney back from Labour, as expected.
No Tory is talking up anything other than a reduced Labour majority.
Rumors that Medway is going to the Tories (from maverick Labour MP Bob Marshall-Andrews)
Looking good for Gorgeous George in Bethnal Green and Bow
BBC talking down Tories
Thursday, May 05, 2005
No return to the days of leisure facilities for politicians!
Half the people who can be arsed will have voted by now. And I can only assume that Tone, Mike and Charlie are all relaxing for the day. After all, they've been very busy.
All too late, here is my manifesto:
Dangerous ASBOs for workplace bullies!
A range of improvements in the area of schools and hospitals for first time buyers!
Harsher higher education for shop lifters!
All too late, here is my manifesto:
Dangerous ASBOs for workplace bullies!
A range of improvements in the area of schools and hospitals for first time buyers!
Harsher higher education for shop lifters!
Sick of Something?
Ben's Stab in the Dark
After considering Matt's predictions I realised that they represented the very best that I could realistically hope for. I have therefore decided to keep my feet on the ground, manage my own expectations and go for:
Labour majority of about 90, with them getting in the region of 320 seats.
The Tories to get about 230, up from 166 in 2001.
I agree with Matt, that the LibDems will gain about 20 more Net.
Brown makes triumphant speech. Blair sacks Brown and gets pushed out himself within a year, not before bombing Iran. Brown returns to lead the Labour party but is dogged by insurgencies from former Blairites and the remaining two proper socialists in the parliamentary Labour party. The wheels fall off the economy. Israel win the Eurovision Song Contest sparking anti-Semitic riots in France. Saudi Arabia, Syria and the Lebanon are made honoury members of the EU to make up for the "blatant Zionist Eurovision imperialism". Gorgeous George is elected mayor of London.
Labour majority of about 90, with them getting in the region of 320 seats.
The Tories to get about 230, up from 166 in 2001.
I agree with Matt, that the LibDems will gain about 20 more Net.
Brown makes triumphant speech. Blair sacks Brown and gets pushed out himself within a year, not before bombing Iran. Brown returns to lead the Labour party but is dogged by insurgencies from former Blairites and the remaining two proper socialists in the parliamentary Labour party. The wheels fall off the economy. Israel win the Eurovision Song Contest sparking anti-Semitic riots in France. Saudi Arabia, Syria and the Lebanon are made honoury members of the EU to make up for the "blatant Zionist Eurovision imperialism". Gorgeous George is elected mayor of London.
Matt's stab in the dark
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Eight Years of New Labour in Pictures
It's not just the war we're pissed off about
Kelly: Dead
Bernie the billionaire donor: A million to lay off the fags?
Hindujas: Billionaire party donors get passports from Mandy
Mittal: Billionaire party donor gets richer with Blair help for a steel pant in Romania.
Robinson: Paymaster's undisclosed house loan to Mandy
Blunkett: Favours for girlfriend
Drayson: Made a fortune from post 9/11 vaccines, made a Lord by Blair then donated half a million to the Labour Party
Vaz: all kinds of allegations
Byers: Spinner that came unspun
For a full record of New-Labour sleaze see Labour-Watch or the New Labour Soap Opera.
Kelly: Dead
Bernie the billionaire donor: A million to lay off the fags?
Hindujas: Billionaire party donors get passports from Mandy
Mittal: Billionaire party donor gets richer with Blair help for a steel pant in Romania.
Robinson: Paymaster's undisclosed house loan to Mandy
Blunkett: Favours for girlfriend
Drayson: Made a fortune from post 9/11 vaccines, made a Lord by Blair then donated half a million to the Labour Party
Vaz: all kinds of allegations
Byers: Spinner that came unspun
For a full record of New-Labour sleaze see Labour-Watch or the New Labour Soap Opera.
Blunkett's new Job
Blair Ready to Kick Some Ass
As the campaign's final day enters evening Tony Blair has upped the rhetoric echoing the sentiment of Winston Churchill's famous 'fight them on the beaches' speech. Blair said "The point about a general election is it's fought constituency by constituency".
Speaking from the commander's turret of a Challenger 2 tank, the Prime Minister was unqualified in his nebulousness. "There are no plans for a land based invasion if Iran from the south on horseback at sunrise" he said, in response to concerns that an attack on Iran is imminent.
Geoff Hoon has cleared his desk at the MOD.
Speaking from the commander's turret of a Challenger 2 tank, the Prime Minister was unqualified in his nebulousness. "There are no plans for a land based invasion if Iran from the south on horseback at sunrise" he said, in response to concerns that an attack on Iran is imminent.
Geoff Hoon has cleared his desk at the MOD.
American Neo-Cons Back Blair
Views from across the pond
The Hawkish American Spectator is backing Blair, labelling him "a true friend to America". The Jewish-run neo-conservative magazine goes further, lambasting Howard and the Conservatives' "Kerryesque habit of obfuscation on their foreign policy views".
Fox News' John Gibson writes on the Murdoch owned news channel's web-site:
"The very same team that was helping to get John Kerry elected, muttering the whole time that Bush lied to get the country into a war.
That's right. The whole bunch of them: Bob Shrum, Stan Greenberg et al. The Democrats' A-Team.
So here they were in the U.S. saying Bush lied, but now there they are in Britain saying Tony didn't lie.
What happens when you fly across the Atlantic four hours? Does the world turn upside down?"
CNN's man in London, England says a Blair win is inevitable:
"No new opinion polls were published in Wednesday's British newspapers, but the tone of the coverage suggested clearly that the election outcome was a foregone conclusion."
The New York Times details prominent American spin doctors now advising the New Labour.
John O'Sullivan, writing in the right-wing National Review predicts surprises and says that immigration has filled the Tory policy vacuum.
The Hawkish American Spectator is backing Blair, labelling him "a true friend to America". The Jewish-run neo-conservative magazine goes further, lambasting Howard and the Conservatives' "Kerryesque habit of obfuscation on their foreign policy views".
Fox News' John Gibson writes on the Murdoch owned news channel's web-site:
"The very same team that was helping to get John Kerry elected, muttering the whole time that Bush lied to get the country into a war.
That's right. The whole bunch of them: Bob Shrum, Stan Greenberg et al. The Democrats' A-Team.
So here they were in the U.S. saying Bush lied, but now there they are in Britain saying Tony didn't lie.
What happens when you fly across the Atlantic four hours? Does the world turn upside down?"
CNN's man in London, England says a Blair win is inevitable:
"No new opinion polls were published in Wednesday's British newspapers, but the tone of the coverage suggested clearly that the election outcome was a foregone conclusion."
The New York Times details prominent American spin doctors now advising the New Labour.
John O'Sullivan, writing in the right-wing National Review predicts surprises and says that immigration has filled the Tory policy vacuum.
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. - Plato
Cuts in ASBOs for hard working families!
So. Er. Yeah.
I can't vote tomorrow. I'm not on the electoral register in Streatham. On the upside, I don't think Streatham is the home of any of the 900,000 people who get to decide the election anyway.
Exercise your democratic right! Steal someone's voting card in a marginal constituency!
I can't vote tomorrow. I'm not on the electoral register in Streatham. On the upside, I don't think Streatham is the home of any of the 900,000 people who get to decide the election anyway.
Exercise your democratic right! Steal someone's voting card in a marginal constituency!
One day to go
Where they stand
.
01/05/05 YouGov for the Daily Telegraph has CON 33 : LAB 36 : LIB 24
30/04/05 MORI for the Financial Times has CON 29 : LAB 39 : LIB 22
30/04/05 YouGov for the Sunday Times has CON 33 : LAB 36 : LIB 23
29/04/05 MORI for the Observer/Sunday Mirror has CON 33 : LAB 36 : LIB 22
By Party
Alliance Party (NI) Trying to Bring the terrorists together
Alliance for Green Socialism Greenie lefties
British National Party Stalin's economics, Hitler's social policy (what planet are these guys from?)
Christian Peoples Alliance You WILL all be nice to one another
Community Action Party action for Leigh, Mackerfield, Wigan and Warrington
Communist Party Let's be more like North Korea!
Conservative Party Former Kings of the Castle
Democratic Unionist Party Paisley's obstructionism in a party
English Democrats Bushell, the grinning tit from The Sun is standing for them
Forward Wales but backward people
Green Party tree huggers
Independent Kidderminster Hospital campaign last season's surprise team
Labour Party current king's of the castle
Legalise Cannabis Alliance can't remember what they stand for
Liberal Democrats the traditional protest vote party
Liberal Party Actual free-market socio-liberals
Mebyon Kernow Cornish nationalists
Monster Raving Loony Party who to vote for if you don't want to vote LibDem
The National Front The thug party
The New Party progressive liberals
The NI Women's Coalition don't mess
Operation Christian Voice 'Our action must be prayerful and strategic. "Wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove."'
Peace and Progress Party Anti war
Plaid Cymru Welsh nationalists
Respect Gorgeous George and co
Scottish Socialist Party exactly what it says on the tin
SDLP anti-war united-Irelanders
Senior Citizens Party discount on lifetime membership
Sinn Fein The voice of the IRA
Socialist Alternative Party splitters!
Socialist Labour Party splitters!
Socialist Party of Great Britain splitters!
SNP Scottish nationalists
Ulster Unionist Party sidelined by the whackos from Sinn Fein/IRA and the DUP
UK Independence Party The people that put up with Kilroy for a while
Third Way Bliarite/Clintonesque spinners
Veritas The people that are currently putting up with Kilroy
Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket party a healthy dose of anarchism
Workers Party (NI) former miners from Northern Ireland
Workers Revolutionary Party militant splitters
.
01/05/05 YouGov for the Daily Telegraph has CON 33 : LAB 36 : LIB 24
30/04/05 MORI for the Financial Times has CON 29 : LAB 39 : LIB 22
30/04/05 YouGov for the Sunday Times has CON 33 : LAB 36 : LIB 23
29/04/05 MORI for the Observer/Sunday Mirror has CON 33 : LAB 36 : LIB 22
By Party
Alliance Party (NI) Trying to Bring the terrorists together
Alliance for Green Socialism Greenie lefties
British National Party Stalin's economics, Hitler's social policy (what planet are these guys from?)
Christian Peoples Alliance You WILL all be nice to one another
Community Action Party action for Leigh, Mackerfield, Wigan and Warrington
Communist Party Let's be more like North Korea!
Conservative Party Former Kings of the Castle
Democratic Unionist Party Paisley's obstructionism in a party
English Democrats Bushell, the grinning tit from The Sun is standing for them
Forward Wales but backward people
Green Party tree huggers
Independent Kidderminster Hospital campaign last season's surprise team
Labour Party current king's of the castle
Legalise Cannabis Alliance can't remember what they stand for
Liberal Democrats the traditional protest vote party
Liberal Party Actual free-market socio-liberals
Mebyon Kernow Cornish nationalists
Monster Raving Loony Party who to vote for if you don't want to vote LibDem
The National Front The thug party
The New Party progressive liberals
The NI Women's Coalition don't mess
Operation Christian Voice 'Our action must be prayerful and strategic. "Wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove."'
Peace and Progress Party Anti war
Plaid Cymru Welsh nationalists
Respect Gorgeous George and co
Scottish Socialist Party exactly what it says on the tin
SDLP anti-war united-Irelanders
Senior Citizens Party discount on lifetime membership
Sinn Fein The voice of the IRA
Socialist Alternative Party splitters!
Socialist Labour Party splitters!
Socialist Party of Great Britain splitters!
SNP Scottish nationalists
Ulster Unionist Party sidelined by the whackos from Sinn Fein/IRA and the DUP
UK Independence Party The people that put up with Kilroy for a while
Third Way Bliarite/Clintonesque spinners
Veritas The people that are currently putting up with Kilroy
Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket party a healthy dose of anarchism
Workers Party (NI) former miners from Northern Ireland
Workers Revolutionary Party militant splitters
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
A retraction
I'd like to fully retract any implication I may have made that our Prime Minister is given to flights of mistruth. I'd like to apologise for any way in which I may have implied the same. I'd also like to apologise for the use of the words warmonger, megalomaniac and murderer that have just occured in this apology.
Good luck on Thursday, Tony!
Good luck on Thursday, Tony!
An interview I saw yesterday
When the interviewer asked if Blair could rule out the possibility of an invasion of Iran, Blair lied "I cannot conceive of a set of circumstances in which war with Iran would be justifiable". He further bullshitted "Iran and Iraq are completely different in every respect". When further pressed to say that he woiuld rule out any military action even if the US were to declare war, Blair lied that it was academic, as the situation would never arise. No, said his eyes. Yes, said his lying mouth.
This Thursday, he will be re-elected.
This Thursday, he will be re-elected.
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