The Policy Blender

Yesterday, in-line with recent years, pretty young girls were given their A-level results so they could appear on the front of all the newspapers.

The results for boys and fat birds will be available next week. Education Minister Alan Johnson said “Standards this year were incredibly high, with a wide range of girls all making the grade”.

The UEFA Champion’s League qualifier match between Liverpool and Israeli champions Maccabi Haifa has been re-located due to concerns over player and fan security.

Although the stadium and its surrounding area are not included in the UN’s officially designated war-zone, they are encompassed by the lower category of ‘danger area’. International peace keepers are understood to be wary of entering the region to the west of the M6 due to the unstable situation and continuing skirmishes between moustachioed shell-suit wearers and the beleaguered and often corrupt local officials.

A spokesman for the Maccabi Haifa said: “it’s crazy to expect our players to play there, there’s not a kosher burger in sight and ze place is full of schmucks!”