Thursday, October 12, 2006

John Reid provides solution to tagging row

Home Secretary John Reid sought to end to row over tagging today by pledging his “personal intervention”.

A recent report has indicated that prisoners released early under electronic tagging schemes have killed five people in the last seven years.

Prisoners can be released up to 135 days before the end of their sentence under the tagging scheme which is £70-a-day cheaper per prisoner compared to jail.

To put an end the problem Mr Reid promised to personally administer a new form of tag which is more difficult to remove. The new tag is said to be 9mm in diameter and is projected into the back of the prisoners’ neck at over 300 m/s.

Mr Reid said: “I am confident that with this new system in operation, proudly sponsored by our friends at Glock, we will witness a vast reduction in the rate pof re-offending amongst our prison population.”

Bush responsible for 10/11 single tower tragedy

Leading Democrats have rallied against George Bush today in response to the tragic events of 10/11 where a Baseball extremist flew his plane into a New York apartment block. Hilary Clinton said today:

“If Bush hadn’t hurt the feelings of the pitcher community by making their job look so easy last April, then we wouldn’t be in this mess now… He’s just so insensitive…”

A White House spokesman was tight-lipped on the possibility of the link between Bush’s pitching and the recent outbreak of Baseball extremism.

Perhaps this is a case of Bush taking on the pitcher too well?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

North Korea to test Nukes: Blair to go on Blue Peter

North Korea was accused of burying bad news today after its announcement that it would be testing a nuclear weapon was released at the same time as an announcement from Number 10 detailing His Holiness The Prime Minister (PBOH)’s appearance on Blue Peter.

An NK spokesman angrily denied to the claims indicating that the crazy nuke announcement had been scheduled long before Emperor Blair’s star turn had been finalised.

Blue Peter is presented by some coke-taking goons and a fit one, right.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Dude... let the sunshine in

Libertarian philosophy with stoner overtones. Who could say no?

If you want to know what I'm all about, I can explain it one word. That word is optimism. I am optimistic about human nature. That's why I will trust people to do the right thing. Labour are pessimists. They think that without their guidance, people will do the wrong thing. That's why they want to regulate and control. So let us show clearly which side we are on. Let optimism beat pessimism. Let sunshine win the day.

Looking quite cool, but what are the odds on losing it with an ill-judged rap to the conference massive on Wednesday?

"Yo- ma name's DC and I'm down enviromental-ee, ma nigger Toe-nee gone dissed my logo tree, but homiee - you ain't got no electabilit-ee.

Word.