Hewitt Announces Smoking Hit Squad
Uber-nanny Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt has announced proposals to make smoking cigarettes a criminal offence.
The move follows similar restrictions in Ireland, where smoking in public is now illegal.
Hewitt said "We are a listening Government and we are not afraid to learn lessons from other countries. That is why we backing these new proposals to restrict liberty, I mean promote public safety, by the introduction of Saudi style public whippings and limb amputations.
"Those caught smoking will at first be flogged, fined ten thousand pounds and thrown in jail for a month. Any offence involving cigarettes thereafter will result in a limb being removed from the infidel, erm, I mean smoker."
Evidence: Government to examine butts
Civil Liberties groups have welcomed the idea, joining forces for a group press conference where they chanted in unison "Smoking is bad. Protect us from our selves."
Home Secretary Charles Clarke elaborated on the enforcement aspect of the proposals: "We are an understanding Government, we know that some people will find it hard to give up smoking because cigarettes are addictive and they are weak, weak, weak people. This is why we are tackling this problem at its root cause - the mind of the criminals.
"Some time ago parliament passed some really useful anti-terrorist legislation. We are now reclassifying a cigarette as a fuse, which makes it part of a bomb. Thus lighting a cigarette is an act of terrorism, further, wanting to light a cigarette - craving, if you like - is now conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism, for which we can lock you up for as long as we like without any evidence. It's all for your own good. Shut up prole…"
The move follows similar restrictions in Ireland, where smoking in public is now illegal.
Hewitt said "We are a listening Government and we are not afraid to learn lessons from other countries. That is why we backing these new proposals to restrict liberty, I mean promote public safety, by the introduction of Saudi style public whippings and limb amputations.
"Those caught smoking will at first be flogged, fined ten thousand pounds and thrown in jail for a month. Any offence involving cigarettes thereafter will result in a limb being removed from the infidel, erm, I mean smoker."
Evidence: Government to examine butts
Civil Liberties groups have welcomed the idea, joining forces for a group press conference where they chanted in unison "Smoking is bad. Protect us from our selves."
Home Secretary Charles Clarke elaborated on the enforcement aspect of the proposals: "We are an understanding Government, we know that some people will find it hard to give up smoking because cigarettes are addictive and they are weak, weak, weak people. This is why we are tackling this problem at its root cause - the mind of the criminals.
"Some time ago parliament passed some really useful anti-terrorist legislation. We are now reclassifying a cigarette as a fuse, which makes it part of a bomb. Thus lighting a cigarette is an act of terrorism, further, wanting to light a cigarette - craving, if you like - is now conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism, for which we can lock you up for as long as we like without any evidence. It's all for your own good. Shut up prole…"
A Conservative backbencher spoke out against these plans saying "I believe (cough, splutter) that these (wheeze) measures (cough, splutter) go too far, and infringe (wheeze) our right (retch, spits out a stream of brown mucus) to enjoy a nice smoke. The idea (wheeze) that smoking is damaging to smokers and (splutter) to those around them (wheeze, cough, retch) is merely anti - (cough) smoking propaganda. If people don't want (cough splutter) to breathe in smoke, they're (cough) perfectly free to go somewhere else. (wheeze, passes out)."
He later made a full recovery, and was able to fall asleep in the House of Commons by the next morning.
Posted by
Matt |
Mon Jun 20, 12:37:00 pm
...Mr Clarke is still yet to confirm whether he will be standing in leadership contest this summer
Posted by
Ben |
Mon Jun 20, 12:44:00 pm
actually, now he has
Posted by
Ben |
Mon Jun 20, 01:17:00 pm