'Off form' Government rallies with late strike for reserves
By our Parliamentary Correspondent Alan Hansard
Last week was disappointing by Blair Utd's high standards. A home fixture at Hampton Court should have given them a decisive advantage against a European opposition that fielded Gerhard Schroder at centre-half despite his recent poor form. Instead, the away side took the points; capitalising on the current European leader's defensive approach to the game with a fine cameo from French right winger Chirac, playing on the traditional French side of the field - the left - that saved the game from going into extra time.
Blair Utd also struggled to perform in the domestic league last week. Team spokesman Geoff 'Hoono' Hoon was quick to blame the woeful showing on the set pieces: "We just couldn't get our game heads on, we went out there having practiced these things week after week and then blew it. I'm well gutted. We're lucky to get a result". Utd's set piece failure was at its most woeful when they failed to defend a corner-kick in the civil liberties area allowing Charlie Kennedy to nod a crowd-pleasing effort into the back of the net. The reds saved the game with recent signing Mikhail Howardski coming of the fence to equalise in added time.
In the third game on a packed fixture list last week, a full-strength Blair Utd side took to the field for what promised to a free flowing and exciting game against Ken Clarke's Wheezing Old Boys. The game got off to a slow start, however, with many of Utd's top stars not performing or picking up knocks. A raft of changes were made at half time, but by then any chance for Blair Utd to seize the momentum of the game had faltered, and the game petered out into a dull draw. After the game, Hoono Hoon was questioned about the team's failure to perform when packed so full of highly paid stars: "I'm well gutted" he said, adding "we have to assess our priorities, you know, some of the players are undoubtedly quality stars, but if they stay out all night sexing dossiers up and writing binge drinking proposals then they're not going to perform under pressure."
Utd's blushes were moderated slightly by a promising result from their reserve team. Facing an admittedly under-prepared opposition, the Utd reserves managed to knock in a late winner in the second leg of their Nanny State Cup fixture against the Public Transport Caterer's XI. Some commentators have questioned the value of such games, but David 'Millo' Miliband, Utd's head of Communities and Development said "these games may seem insignificant, but to be able to dig in and grind out a result such as this is invaluable in terms of the moral of our team and backroom staff. It may seem petty, but at least we know we can win. Otherwise we'd be well gutted".
Utd's first team will be hoping to repeat the form of their reserves this week in fixtures against FC Trident in the NATO cup and the prospect of easy domestic points against the little known Scottish side McLetchie. They will have to do so without their star striker, David 'Blunko' Blunkett who is being rested from the first team side whilst allegations of improper conduct are underway. Blunko Blunkett who is no stranger to controversy - often being seen out about town with some bitch or other - said: "I'm well gutted".
Last week was disappointing by Blair Utd's high standards. A home fixture at Hampton Court should have given them a decisive advantage against a European opposition that fielded Gerhard Schroder at centre-half despite his recent poor form. Instead, the away side took the points; capitalising on the current European leader's defensive approach to the game with a fine cameo from French right winger Chirac, playing on the traditional French side of the field - the left - that saved the game from going into extra time.
Blair Utd also struggled to perform in the domestic league last week. Team spokesman Geoff 'Hoono' Hoon was quick to blame the woeful showing on the set pieces: "We just couldn't get our game heads on, we went out there having practiced these things week after week and then blew it. I'm well gutted. We're lucky to get a result". Utd's set piece failure was at its most woeful when they failed to defend a corner-kick in the civil liberties area allowing Charlie Kennedy to nod a crowd-pleasing effort into the back of the net. The reds saved the game with recent signing Mikhail Howardski coming of the fence to equalise in added time.
In the third game on a packed fixture list last week, a full-strength Blair Utd side took to the field for what promised to a free flowing and exciting game against Ken Clarke's Wheezing Old Boys. The game got off to a slow start, however, with many of Utd's top stars not performing or picking up knocks. A raft of changes were made at half time, but by then any chance for Blair Utd to seize the momentum of the game had faltered, and the game petered out into a dull draw. After the game, Hoono Hoon was questioned about the team's failure to perform when packed so full of highly paid stars: "I'm well gutted" he said, adding "we have to assess our priorities, you know, some of the players are undoubtedly quality stars, but if they stay out all night sexing dossiers up and writing binge drinking proposals then they're not going to perform under pressure."
Utd's blushes were moderated slightly by a promising result from their reserve team. Facing an admittedly under-prepared opposition, the Utd reserves managed to knock in a late winner in the second leg of their Nanny State Cup fixture against the Public Transport Caterer's XI. Some commentators have questioned the value of such games, but David 'Millo' Miliband, Utd's head of Communities and Development said "these games may seem insignificant, but to be able to dig in and grind out a result such as this is invaluable in terms of the moral of our team and backroom staff. It may seem petty, but at least we know we can win. Otherwise we'd be well gutted".
Utd's first team will be hoping to repeat the form of their reserves this week in fixtures against FC Trident in the NATO cup and the prospect of easy domestic points against the little known Scottish side McLetchie. They will have to do so without their star striker, David 'Blunko' Blunkett who is being rested from the first team side whilst allegations of improper conduct are underway. Blunko Blunkett who is no stranger to controversy - often being seen out about town with some bitch or other - said: "I'm well gutted".
