Dr Death eliminated from Tory leadership race
Today Tory MPs voted to eliminate Dr Liam Death as a candidate in the race to be the next Tory leader. 300,000 Conservative party members around the country will then vote for either of the two candidates that are left.
Dr Liam Death
Age
Dr Death was born at the dawn of time, and will haunt humanity for evermore.
Profile
Liam is an approachable kind of guy, loved by old ladies in their dying hours. He has previously dated Marilyn Monroe, Paula Yates and Princess Diana.
Politics
Strong on social values such as shooting people who wear hoodies, putting a fence around the city of Liverpool and re-naming it 'HMP Liverpool' and has promised to make the trains run on time.
As the race to become the next leader of the Conservative party nears its final phase, we take a look at the two remaining.
In pole position is Dave Blokeron.
Age
At 25, Dave is well young and dead sexy.
Profile
Dave is just like you and me - he may or may not have taken drugs and drives a Renault Espace. He is married with a son and his wife is pregnant.
Politics
Dave has promised 'modern compassionate conservatism', which sounds quite nice doesn't it?
Second place in today's vote is the previous favourite David Hardnut.
Age
At 48 David may seem too young to have fought at the Somme, El Alamein, and inVietnam, but he's well hard you know.
Profile
David does one hundred one-armed press-ups every morning, and he eats raw eggs for breakfast. He was born with no legs in a skip behind the shopping centre at Brent Cross and his mother was a black disabled foreign Muslim lesbian crack-head.
Politics
Previously unequivocal on issues such as the family and Europe, David has skilfully equivocated, but reckons he could still 'knock some heads together' if required.
Dr Liam Death
Age
Dr Death was born at the dawn of time, and will haunt humanity for evermore.
Profile
Liam is an approachable kind of guy, loved by old ladies in their dying hours. He has previously dated Marilyn Monroe, Paula Yates and Princess Diana.
Politics
Strong on social values such as shooting people who wear hoodies, putting a fence around the city of Liverpool and re-naming it 'HMP Liverpool' and has promised to make the trains run on time.
As the race to become the next leader of the Conservative party nears its final phase, we take a look at the two remaining.
In pole position is Dave Blokeron.
Age
At 25, Dave is well young and dead sexy.
Profile
Dave is just like you and me - he may or may not have taken drugs and drives a Renault Espace. He is married with a son and his wife is pregnant.
Politics
Dave has promised 'modern compassionate conservatism', which sounds quite nice doesn't it?
Second place in today's vote is the previous favourite David Hardnut.
Age
At 48 David may seem too young to have fought at the Somme, El Alamein, and inVietnam, but he's well hard you know.
Profile
David does one hundred one-armed press-ups every morning, and he eats raw eggs for breakfast. He was born with no legs in a skip behind the shopping centre at Brent Cross and his mother was a black disabled foreign Muslim lesbian crack-head.
Politics
Previously unequivocal on issues such as the family and Europe, David has skilfully equivocated, but reckons he could still 'knock some heads together' if required.
Fox - "we came from behind..."
:-)
Posted by
Ben |
Thu Oct 20, 05:53:00 pm
Did Elton John do a 'Candle in the Wind' for Paula Yates too? Or were you just picking three ladies who put it about a bit in the media?
Posted by
Matt |
Thu Oct 20, 06:22:00 pm
was going for the 'lives cut tragicly' short angle...
Posted by
Ben |
Thu Oct 20, 07:18:00 pm
When did Yates die? Cause I'm with you on all fronts except 'tragically'.
Posted by
Matt |
Fri Oct 21, 08:29:00 am
Apologies, my spelling and typing is shirt.
Paula Yates topped herself in 2000, leaving Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Pixie to be looked after by Bob 'give us yer fookin' money' Geldof.
Peaches used to write for the Telegraph, I believe.
Posted by
Ben |
Fri Oct 21, 09:29:00 am
No, I meant I didn't think she was any loss to the human race, I wasn't picking up on your spelling.
Posted by
Matt |
Fri Oct 21, 10:57:00 am
If its supposed to be a satirical website, how come you only changed the names?
Posted by
Anonymous |
Fri Oct 21, 01:18:00 pm
I think the Blair comparisons are great news for the Tory party.
Just imagine how pissed off Gordon Brown is right now - Blair's kept him out of the top job for years and when he finally gets within touching distance along comes someone heralded as 'the new Blair'. He must be fuming! :-)
In reference to Graham's point - (welcome, old friend) there's a rather inherent problem with blogging about the Tories in that it's hard to satirise satire. The current Conservative party is overtly satirical, therein lies its charm (see Boris Johnson).
It's almost as if in its tangled and often publicly messy ideological struggle to express the notion of one-nationism to both a sensitive metropolitan class and the more traditional rural dwellers - whose numbers dwindle as urbanisation sprawls - the Tory party has saved the satirists the bother. It pukes its contradictions in front of an eager media, who shovel them onto the comment pages with a backdated schadenfreude still simmering from the Thatcher years.
'Dave' could help close this adolescent chapter in the party's development. A new face, new ideas and inclusive language to couple the one-nation ideal with a Thatcherite zeal for economic liberalism. If this can be done, the Conservative party will return from the electoral wilderness stronger than ever before. It's 'Dave's' task to use the political capital he can generate by using his undoubted PR skills to make the Tories relevant again by reforming policies that will empower and liberate the poor whilst maintaining the traditional Tory values of individual freedom, choice and financial liberty.
Posted by
Ben |
Fri Oct 21, 02:03:00 pm