The Policy Blender

A recent study shows liars' brain patterns differ substantially from people who don't lie.

"Lying takes a lot of effort" said Adrian Raine, professor of psychology at the University of Southern California.

On Wednesday, an elderly man heckled Jack Straw, claiming he and his government put too much effort into politics. Perhaps a CAT scan of Mr Blair would put the nation's mind at rest?

Posted by Matt at 3:09 pm | Permalink | Comments

Police are investigating after a body was found John Prescott's London head quarters in the early hours of this morning.

No other information is available at the moment, though it is claimed that the DPM "hasn't punched anyone in ages".

Posted by Ben at 11:16 am | Permalink | Comments

Reporters from the Evening Standard have tested samples of swabs taken from the Labour Party Conference in Brighton this week and revealed that they contain traces of Coke.

The reporters diligently took swabs from parties attended by high ranking media moguls, celebrities and senior government officials. The results have shocked many, who previously saw coke as the tipple of the rich. The fact that its use seems so prevalent amongst the top brass of the Labour party will disappoint many grass-roots supports.


Coke: now a working class drink

The revelations come just days after Ruth Kelly announced that junk food would be banned in schools. Kelly claimed that coke as sweets will not be available to children from next September. Drinks such as Coke are blamed for the rise in behavioural conditions such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).


ADHD: inability to sit still

Sugary drinks could be an explanation for the erratic behaviour of John Prescott, who was said to be 'bingeing' on snacks such as Mars bars and Coke before lamping 29-year-old farm worker Craig Evans in 2001.


Prescott: sugary snacks

Posted by Ben at 10:51 am | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Ben at 10:27 am | Permalink | Comments

Cheap plastic buckets and spades full of conference gossip


Nanny gets the jack-boots on

82-year-old Walter Wolfgang, a party activist of fifty years, is not the first person to suffer at the hands of Blair's hired muscle this week.

Austin Michel, the off-message MP for Grimsby, has his digital camera forcibly removed and its memory erased after he took photos of a queue for conference passes whilst waiting in line with his wife.

The beeb too, not known to be the most vehement critics of the government since the Hutton report, has suffered from 'New' Labour's Stasi-style censorship. A life-sized cardboard cut-out of Tony Blair stood next to the Daily Politics stand - delegates were encouraged to stick comments on post-it notes onto the deity. It was proving remarkably popular until Labour staffers accompanied by burly security men turned up and removed all the disparaging comments.

Posted by Ben at 10:18 am | Permalink | Comments

Sandy fish and chips flavoured conference gossip

Intolerable Cruelty?

Tony's choice of a punk theme tune to his speech was certainly stirring. But has it caused more harm than good?

Three people have been arrested by Sussex Police after the Countryside Alliance stand at the Labour Party conference was vandalised. All three suspects have security clearance for the conference.

Surely we have to look at the social situation that caused these poor victims to resort to criminal damage?

Isn't it about time that party leaders chose theme tunes that don't aggravate the militant instinct in impressionable delegates? Sham 69 and their ilk should be banned from conferences, their music is too rousing.

Posted by Ben at 4:57 pm | Permalink | Comments

Wow! you see, this is what I thought the last post was talking about. Who would have guessed it?

Posted by Matt at 9:38 am | Permalink | Comments

Don't kiss-me-quick gossip from the seaside

If the kids are united…

Tony Blair has just capped a magnificent speech by practically crowd surfing across a packed Brighton Centre to Sham 69's punk classic 'If the Kids are United'.

More on that fantastic speech to come, it's Tory sound-bite city:

"isolation is as backwards as protectionism"

"Our place is alongside America"

Posted by Ben at 3:51 pm | Permalink | Comments

Gordon Brown's Blairite speech has been hailed as a signal of his readiness to succeed The Great One to the throne of New Labour. All other bets are now closed as Ministers and ambitious MPs now drift their rhetoric into line with the Chancellor.

But if the Chancellor considers his recent ideological conversion to the Blairite-Mandelsonian vision a smart move, he should think again. Sounding more like Tony; acting more like Tony; effectively 'being Tony' may ease the transition and smooth The Great One's ego, but it defeats the object of having anyone but Tony.

At the last election people voted Labour despite Tony being the leader, not because, so they held their noses knowing that he would be gone soon. If Brown continues to develop into a Tony-clonie then there will be no point in Tony going at all.

Brown's dourness, his rigid Presbyterian ideology and his affection for spending public money has maintained his popularity with the grass-roots of the Labour party. The Unions, the old comrades and class warriors feel disenfranchised enough from the party leadership. Brown's rhetorical move to the right, despite his past closeness to the grass-roots could be the final straw.

Posted by Ben at 1:42 pm | Permalink | Comments

Don't kiss-me-quick gossip from the seaside

Half a battle of wits

Clash of the titans it was not, but at last Sunday's New Statesman party Piers 'Fake Photos' Morgan and Charles 'Fake Ears' Clarke narrowly avoided exchanging more than coarse language.

Morgan asked the Home Secretary if he would appear on his Channel Four show, Morgan and Plattell. Clarke declined in a style that belies his expensive education by saying that he has no desire to appear on Morgan's "crappy little show". Morgan retorted that Clarke could "stick it up his arse then".

Oscar Wilde would be proud…

Posted by Ben at 12:42 pm | Permalink | Comments

Don't kiss-me-quick gossip from the seaside

Blunkett's dig at 'nasty' Blair

At a Guardian Fringe event last night at the Labour party conference in Brighton, Europe Minister Douglas Alexander declared that Labour could learn a lot from George Bush's Republican Party about boosting membership.

Blunkett replied that Bush had "built coalitions with extremely nasty people".

Still smarting from being fired are we David?

Posted by Ben at 11:11 am | Permalink | Comments

Brave bureaucrats at Calderdale Royal Hospital, Halifax, have taken measures to defend the human rights of the babies in their care. Staff and visitors to the hospital's maternity ward will no longer be permitted to 'coo' and smile over babies, and ask their proud parents questions about their new-borns.

Debbie Lawson, neo-nazi manager at the Special Care Baby Unit said:

“Cooing should be a thing of the past because these are little people with the same rights as you or me.

“Hopefully our message comes across loud and clear. The Government has set a benchmark that every patient has a right to privacy and dignity and we say that includes tiny babies as well.”

This website supports Calderdale Royal Hospital in its efforts to deprive new-born babies of external stimuli and human interaction and to uphold controversial EU legislation to the letter. We will soon be launching the Calderdale Babies Shoebox Collection, for which we will facilitate the donation of used shoeboxes. Readers can donate shoeboxes to the Hospital's Special Care Bay Unit for storing new-born babies in until they are able to be locked away from society in the safety of their own home.

Source: T' Yarkshire Porst .

Posted by Ben at 11:02 am | Permalink | Comments

Not wanting to trivialise this tragic incident, but I was disappointed to read this Times article. A model who aspired to be as famous as Kate Moss. Given Moss' current status with the tabloids (Oh no! Rich, famous people taking drugs?! It can't be true!), wouldn't pretty much any other model have been a better comparison?

The Times, as we know, aspires to be as widely read as The Sun.

Posted by Matt at 10:37 am | Permalink | Comments

In Pennsylvania a group of 'Mentalist Christians have revealed that they are the proud parents of a child that is not 100% human . The surprisingly hairy child has several features marking it out as the beginnings of a break from its parent's species. As well as hand-like feet and a small tail, the man-monkey has an estimated IQ 10 points lower than the average human IQ, putting it at least 30 points above its parents. It also has a fondness for bananas and peanuts.



Its proud parents are convinced that their faith is being tested. "God gave us this child so we could prove the strength of our faith." said William Buckingham, 43, "We love him like we do our other kids; Bobo, Bubbles and Clyde." Buckingham is currently involved in a trial to promote the teaching of 'Intelligent Design' in schools across America.

Posted by Matt at 6:45 pm | Permalink | Comments

The Secretary General of that wholely selfless, non-profitmaking, worthy and honest organisation, the UN, has spoken out against the states stalling on a treaty banning nuclear tests. Why do we need to keep blowing nuclear bombs up? We know that they work, and 187 countries have signed sometihng to say that they won't use them whether they work or not. Why have we still got so many of them? Why have at least three countries in the world got enough to render the planet uninhabitable, several times over?


Kaboom!

I'd like to start a petition here. Please enter your name in the comments area and your feelings on nuclear weapons. Most petitions are infuriating things, they give you sometihng to sign and you're obliged to agree with it or not sign it. Like when you go on a march against the Iraq war and everyone turns up with portraits of Saddam (not why I was there) or with signs that say 'Freedom for Palestine' (also not why I was there), and you get lumped in with everyone else. We're in a position to be more democratic. If you want nuclear weapons to continue to exist in smaller numbers, or to continue to stockpile, please say so, and why. I've started us off.

Posted by Matt at 10:16 am | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Ben at 12:10 pm | Permalink | Comments

Bite-sized chunks of wholesome political goodness


It's been a woeful week for the LibDems. Their conference at Blackpool was totally undermined by the growing disquiet regarding Charles Kennedy's leadership style and dark mutterings that his time as leader may be up. Kennedy sought to improve his profile by inching his Iraq position closer to that of out-spoken Respect MP George Galloway, though he stopped short of claiming that the Prime Minister has blood on his hands and the anticipated sensational headlines did not materialise. The party leadership was defeated in every motion it supported and the only debate that didn't split the party down the middle was 'this house believes that we should generally be nicer to the environment'. Now the fractured and seemingly rudderless party is facing an Electoral Commission into a £2.4m payment that, if upheld, could eventually lead to bankruptcy. The 'real opposition' has real problems.

The Tories this week continued the path they seem determined to follow. Various leadership factions baited and sniped at one another and David Davis announced that he will be launching his leadership bid on the same day as David Cameron. The media continue to soft peddle on Ken Clarke, knowing that his tobacco connections will give them enough ammo to shoot the Tory party full of holes if he ever becomes leader. Malcolm Rifkind, himself a leadership contender, repeated his assertion that the Iraq war was a mistake from the very beginning, however he could not shake off rumours that he will drop out of the race and support Mr Clarke's bid in exchange for a senior shadow cabinet position. Michael Howard said 'remember me' by making 'fight them on the beaches'-style comments concerning the Iraqi militia.

It's been a good week for the Government. Blair and Co. have skated through the imprisonment of a Labour peer for fire-raising (the Scottish legal term for arson) with their usual skill and aplomb. The Government kept relatively quiet, with Ministers resisting the urge to grab some headlines by commenting on the Kate Moss affair. Northern Ireland Secretary Peter Hain has rattled his sabre at groups loyal to the throne in Northern Ireland, but coming from a man who once marched for a united Ireland with Gerry Adams, his hyperbole surprised no one. Top of the pops this week though is the youthful Local Government Minister, David Miliband, who admitted that the Government had made a "vaulting, 180 degree U-turn" on council tax revaluation and the subsequent delay to the Lyons Inquiry into local government finance. Miliband's candid admission is a breath of fresh air in a political atmosphere stale with the fumes of spin and lies.

Posted by Ben at 11:41 am | Permalink | Comments

Labour peer Lord Watson of Invergowrie has been sent to prison for 16 months for fire-raising. The full sentence of 20 months was reduced because he's not a Tory.


Watson: twisted firestarter

Watson has not been asked to leave the Labour party, and New Labour officials are insisting that the conviction and sentence do not represent sleaze, because sleaze is something that the Tories do, not New Labour.

The national media have duly obliged by ensuring the saga, that began last November, has not once made the headlines. A Press Association spokesman said today "You can't put a square peg in a round hole. Now if it had been a toffee-nosed, buck toothed, in-bred, posh git Tory peer that got ratted and set fire to a hotel after a knees-up with his political cronies, then the story would have had legs…"

Posted by Ben at 12:20 pm | Permalink | Comments

A successful week for Kate Moss, H&M and Sir Ian Blair.

Moss has fulfilled her duties as a celebrity by raising her profile with allegations that she took cocaine. These allegations, and the subsequent column-inches and air-time invested in them by the media, in turn have fulfilled her contract with various parts of the fashion industry by raising their profiles too.

H&M capitalised on their publicity-by-association well, by making the headlines three days in a row - 'Moss says sorry to H&M', 'Moss will still front H&M ad campaign', 'H&M drops Moss over drug claims'. Clever bunnies.

Now the Metropolitan Police have got in on the act. Since the 22nd of July, when Met Officers shot 27-year-old Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes in the head at Stockwell Tube Station there has been little else written about the Met or it's aptly surnamed commissioner. 'Sir Ian Blair defends shoot to kill', 'Met obstructed shooting investigation', and 'IPCC leak shooting inquiry info' do not cast the Met in the best of lights. What better solution than to grab the headlines back by putting the boot into some coke-snorting celeb?

'Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair said the possible impact of such behaviour on "impressionable young people" had led to the inquiry'. Balls. It's a chance to give the impression that the police are doing something other than shoot Brazilians in the head and to get Sir Ian's picture in the paper next to a supermodel.

Blair degrades his profession by chasing headlines instead of criminals; putting public opinion of him above getting his job done. As with his namesake, his actions represent the short-term, soulless, self preserving nature of our new elite. New Labour's shoddy, self-serving, vainglorious, vapid, egotistical bottom-feeding principles have contaminated public life since our unwitting infection under the promise of 'whiter than white' government.

Time for both Blairs to go. Let's see if Brown can be whiter than 'whiter than white' himself.

Posted by Ben at 5:20 pm | Permalink | Comments

Persistent rumours have forced LibDem leader Chatshow Charlie Kennedy to again defend his leadership style.


Kennedy: leadership in action

Posted by Ben at 3:53 pm | Permalink | Comments

Britain's universities are preparing to welcome the unshaven beer-swilling masses back into their fold at the end of this week. The annual influx of sandal-wearing real-ale-drinking beardie lecturers and tutors marks the end of the Liberal Democrat's annual conference.

During the conference sales of the Guardian plummet in London and the capital's coffee shops have reported a slump in skinny laté sales. Traffic problems in Islington lull for a week due to the absence of huge four-wheel-drives emblazoned with 'I don't buy ESSO' stickers transporting a solitary child to a private school eight miles away. It is safe to wear fur in Holland Park without being abused by some pretentious liberal in leather shoes.

The conference also marks the low point of the rural social calendar as it congregates all of the nation's Morris Dancers in one place, leaving villages across the country short of a target of ridicule and mirth.


Lib Dems: Beardie real-ale drinking Morris Dancers

Posted by Ben at 1:31 pm | Permalink | Comments

Our roving reporter at the Lib Dem conference in Blackpool gives us the latest of views of delegates on the floor.


Lib Dems: socks and sandals

Posted by Ben at 12:44 pm | Permalink | Comments

Gerhard Schroeder has indicated that the result of the contentious German election will now be decided by the 'Frankfurter Principle'.

The Frankfurter principle, a method of resolving a stalemated political dispute whilst the Reichstag is not in session, is a parliamentary precedent set by Otto von Bismarck, Germany's "Iron Chancellor", who was one of the most significant political figures of the 19th century.

The principle has not been used since 1871, when seeking to break the stalemate in the Franco-Prussian war following the formation of the third republic; Bismarck challenged the French General Louis Jules Trochu to a penis size contest. The winner was simply the politician with the biggest cock. The German won and they have been pissing on the French ever since.


Schroeder: cold


Merkel: over confident?

Posted by Ben at 5:52 pm | Permalink | Comments

In the last two weeks, after Ben's explicit instructions, I have tried to be as violently left as I can, in preparation for his return. From the middle of this week, expect the site to return to:

• 'ironic' racism and political incorrectness, designed to wind up darkies, nips and fudge-nudgers.
• Absurd respect for the shrek-like Boris Johnson.
• A belief that rich people shouldn't pay tax.
• Blind faith in George W Bush, as he finally learns to get ants out of a hole with a stick.
• A consensus that fat people deserve to be fat, when they're bombarded with advertising, and when real food and 'diet' food is marked up as a premium product in the supermarkets.
• Rich people are really nice, by virtue of having lots of money which they thoroughly deserve. And that no-one needs to be exploited or abused in order for someone to become rich enough to own 3 houses.

From Monkey to Gorilla - let's hold out for something semi-evolved in 2012!

I also promise to return to not having an opinion from the middle of the week.

Posted by Matt at 12:09 pm | Permalink | Comments

North Korea have agreed to give up their nuclear arsenal on condition that countries with an aggressive, unstable background elsewhere agree to give their weapons up.

Pakistan and India have had ongoing disputes in which fingers have crept precariously close to buttons. France has a history of aggressive behaviour, including the Napoleonic Wars, and repeated nuclear testing in various French territories, in order to demonstrate to restless populations the wrath they will incur if they step out of line. The United Kingdom has shown itself to be more than willing to perform aggressive acts at the whim of its allies, both in Europe and North America. The United States is the only country to have ever used nuclear weapons in armed conflict, on real people. Israel's history of aggressive behaviour against its neighbours, and China's invasion of Tibet and border disputes with India are more than enough to point to an unstable political history. Of these, all but Israel, India and Pakistan have signed a treaty pledging to dismantle the weapons they have.


Bang!

The rogue states who continue to hold nuclear weapons, despite having signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and pledging to dismantle them more than thirty years ago, are now the only thing stalling a safer world. We'll bring you more as the story unfolds.

Posted by Matt at 10:16 am | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Matt at 2:33 pm | Permalink | Comments

An epidemic of depression in Britain is leading many senior health officials to excessive drinking, to escape the pressures of implementing the Government's plan to treat up to a million clinically depressed people.

Lord Richard Layard, leading the plans, was heard to say "I just don't see the point. Every day there seem to be more and more depressives to deal with. When's it going to end? How can I go on?"

Louise Appleby, the Government's mental health tsar, said "Я думаю вы должно знать я чувствует очень отжатым. не попытайтесь включить мой восторг, я не получите одно.."


Louise Appleby with her wife and family

In other news, suspicious marks have appeared on Patricia Hewitt's wrists.

Posted by Matt at 8:48 am | Permalink | Comments

Tony Blair has pledged to defeat the ideas and ideologies of terrorists, and indeed, anyone with ideas and values.

Blair has suggested that there is no difference between terrorists and freedom fighters, and both should be treated with equal contempt. He further proposes that creative thinking of any kind, and holding any values that differ from those held by the state, or the current government, is tantamount to treason.

To put this policy into action, Blair has already sent military units into several London art galleries, where inflammatory sculptures have been burnt (ironically) and treacherous paintings torn down. In keeping with Britain's special relationship with the US, Mick Jagger has already been exterminated for his treasonous song 'Sweet Neo-Con'. Keith Richards was spared, as he is expected to die within a month from 'natural causes'. Michael Howard has been shot.



A more positive implication of this policy is the opening of several 'Blair Youth' groups across the country, where young people will spend their spare time in physical activites such as marching, playing football and beating traitors, all of which are believed to reduce creative thought. Many universities are thought to be against this policy, but this is incidental, as most have already been closed.

Posted by Matt at 10:05 am | Permalink | Comments

"Republicans have accused Democrats of seeking political advantage in criticising the administration's response."

Of course they are! Has anyone accused the Republicans of seeking political gain by attempting to manage the situation sensibly? I mean, are today's political parties so sophisticatedly (is that a word?) petty that we can expect the Democrats to accuse the Republicans of seeking political gain from Democrat criticisms, by suggesting that they are only interested in political gain rather than solving the problems? (read it again, I had to when I wrote it). Can we imagine a political system where an opposition party watches 10,000 people die in an affluent Western country and says 'Good job guys' with sincerity? Is anyone who suggests the situation has been mismanaged trying to attack the Republicans and heartlessly make gains against them from a tragic event, when they should be concentrating on the humanitarian issues?

I liked politics when it was simple and direct.


Courtesy of our Singaporean Allies at syntaxfree.org

Posted by Matt at 1:14 pm | Permalink | Comments

In the entrepreneurial spirit, this man made a million with nohing more than his wits. Robert Hendy-Freegard has spent the last ten years cheating 8 people by telling them he is an MI5 agent.

Here is a simple rule to help people recognise people who are faking being a spy. If you say 'Are you a spy?' then every spy, across the world, is carefully trained to say 'no'. Saying yes can be devastating to a career in field intelligence. If someone says they are a spy, it's usually a good indication that they are not.

While it's easy to poke fun, I hope that, put in that position by someone convincing, I would be helpful too. I think that victims of people who exploit their stupidity deserve limited sympathy, but here, patriotism was being exploited, and that's pretty nasty. Technically, I suppose the man could have been tried for treason, and hanged.

Posted by Matt at 3:22 pm | Permalink | Comments

President Bush is currently touring the hurricane stricken South, in order to bring much needed hugs to the people of the region.


Bush and his team of skilled huggers

"We've been stuck here for six days now, with no food, no water. Bodies are littering the streets." said reporter Todd LaGrange, "When I saw President Bush hugging someone, I knew everything would be better."

President Bush anticipates securing some 250 photos of hugs, as well as several hours of video hug footage. While many critics of Bush claim that this tour is largely valueless, the people of Louisiana and Mississippi have already shown a huge boost in morale, since the first hug last Thursday.

"My daughter was crushed by a falling building, and my husband was shot and left dead in the street by police, when he was trying to find us something to eat" said Cynthia Timmerman, a housewife in Algiers, New Orleans, "But when the President hugged me, I knew I was helping make America strong again."

Posted by Matt at 10:16 am | Permalink | Comments

Health warning. This site may contain traces of nuts.

The political balance of this site will alter considerably during the next couple of weeks as its right-wing element is replenishing his soul in the US.

The consequences of this will be mainly manifested in the following:

• A lack of inflammatory language concerning minority groups, such as darkies or fudge-nudgers, designed to wind up lefties
• A lack of respect for the god-like Boris Johnson
• A belief that tax is not an instrument of state suppression, intended only to punish the rich and en-slave the poor
• Monkey jokes about George Bush
• A consensus that the state should be blamed when people eat too many burgers and get fat, or smoke too much and get cancer
• Rich people are eeeevil



wouldn't it just be ace?

Posted by Ben at 6:35 pm | Permalink | Comments