The Policy Blender

Lions Media manager, Alistair Campbell, has launched a furious attack on the All Blacks coach for what he says was an "entirely premeditated, underhand and devious plot to steal the legs of one of our finest players".

Lions star, Gavin Henson, who was due to start Saturday's test at inside centre, is said to be "distraught". It is believed that his legs were stolen during the night, possibly by a Kiwi hotel staff member.


Henson: legs stolen

Campbell told a hastily assembled press conference: "We have identified a 45 minute period during which the legs were stolen…We are keeping an open mind at this point, and if the legs are surrendered before Saturday's game we will not invade Wellington. Obviously, the ball is in Saddam's, er, I mean, Graham Henry's court here.

Dr Charlotte Church, the Lions' Chief Leg Inspector is believed to have been withdrawn from New Zealand in case she finds Henson's legs before the game. The legs are said to have a long range and be orange in appearance with a smooth 'waxed' feel. They are believed to have been brought from Donald Rumsfeld in the eighties.

Posted by Ben at 1:35 pm | Permalink | Comments

Under the new religious hatred laws criticising Tony Blair is now illegal. This is due to a minor loophole discovered by a little known barrister, Cherie Booth.

Due to the iconic status of the ancient office of Prime Minister and Mr Blair's self-appointed messianic righteousness, he is considered under the eyes of the law to be a religious idol and thus, under the new religious hatred laws, any criticism of the Blairite deity would offend dozens of loyal Blairites such as Steven Byers and Geoff Hoon and is therefore illegal.


St Tony: holier than thou, motherfucker

Tony Blair was said to be "too busy sorting out Africa and then the Middle East" to comment on the discovery of the loophole. It is also understood that Bono, the Diana Princess of Wales Foundation, the Vatican and the estate of Mother Theresa of Calcutta have issued a writ against the Prime Minister seeking damages relating to infringement of intellectual property rights and image rights.

Posted by Ben at 11:45 am | Permalink | Comments

Following the Lions disappointing performance to lose to New Zealand at Christchurch last Saturday, familiar language is coming to the fore.

Replacement captain Gareth Thomas was quoted on BBC Radio Five saying "We have taken the flack and we have to look forward; there is no point looking back", sentiments echoed by the coaching staff following the midweek thrashing of part timers Manawatu.


Campbell: Lions Media Manager

The familiar smoke and mirrors have come out too, with Lions Manager Sir Clive Woodward giving a Colin Powell-style slide presentation to a press conference citing the All Blacks' weapons of Brian O'Driscoll destruction in Tana Umaga and Keven Mealamu's first minute off-the-ball double spear tackle on the now sidelined Lions captain.

The Lions slick media operation has ensured that Umaga, the All Black captain, has faced intense pressure throughout the week, leaving the Lions time to lick their wounds in private before restoring their pride next Saturday. When questioned on the poor performance, Sir Clive even uttered the immortal words: "it's happened, we can't change it, we have to draw a line and move on". Whatever Campbell is being paid, he's clearly earning it.

Posted by Ben at 1:43 pm | Permalink | Comments

The plucky British defend valiantly against the united forces of France and Spain.

No - it's not the recent EU summit or an Arsenal game - it's the celebrations for the 200th anniversary of a famous French military defeat.


Hands up: Chirac in Traditional French Battle Pose

A cheap shot, of course, but there are rumours that the celebrations on the French side might be a little prickly too, as Chirac is said to be planning to stay over in Singapore longer than originally planned to celebrate the expected French win of the 2012 Jeux Olympique. And which unfortunate host and event is he planning on snubbing? Step forward Mr T Blair and the G8 Summit in Gleneagles.

Posted by Ben at 4:52 pm | Permalink | Comments

At the weekend, I saw St Bob. He said 'To die of hunger is an intellectual absurdity and morally repulsive. I want you to individually believe you can help change the condition of the most put-upon and beaten-down people on this planet.'

I turned to the lady next to me, and commented 'Hasn't he done well since the eighties?'. And everyone shouted 'Make poverty history'. And, Abracadabra, it was. I haven't seen a single starving person since.

Posted by Matt at 11:45 am | Permalink | Comments

Policy Blender is proud to be the first to reveal an amazing advance in medical technology. An exclusive source, known only as "EnlargeCock" emailed details of the new medication (daily, for the last month) to a Policy Blender writer. Apparently one pill a day can have a significant effect on the size of one's, well, one's.... um.

Anyway. Good.

Posted by Matt at 9:15 am | Permalink | Comments

Our technical advisor will continue to blog from Glastonbury, as he has a rather smug grasp of technology, and knows blogger will take posts by MMS. He'll also attempt to send the occaisonal photo.

So there.

Posted by Matt at 6:02 pm | Permalink | Comments

There appears to have been a minor outbreak of small minded xenophobia on this site recently, with the French receiving a fair amount of stick.

I would therefore like to apologise on behalf of PolicyBlender and promise that all xenophobia from now on will be of the traditional 'large minded' variety. Further, that the French will no longer cop a fair amount of stick, they will return to the more usual 'loads of stick' that we think they deserve, rather than a fair amount that the actually deserve.

Posted by Ben at 5:25 pm | Permalink | Comments

For a short while this side will no longer be as balanced as it tends to be, as its right wing author will be terrorising the lefties at Glastonbury.

Normal service will be resumed next week.


Glasto: Dirty

Posted by Ben at 5:19 pm | Permalink | Comments

The head of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has told Time Magazine that he has "an excellent idea" of Osama Bin Laden's whereabouts.

The interview with Porter Goss was conducted amidst great secrecy and complex security arrangements. CIA officials have refused to comment on accusations that the CIA director was four hours late for the rendezvous due to confusion with the location, blaming "liberal media bias".

Bin Laden is said to be hiding "over there somewhere [asia]" and travelling using a "network of Arabs and other such people", changing his location in order to confuse the post office.


CIA Artist's Impression of Bin Laden

Attempts to track down the world's most wanted man by typing his postcode into multimap have so far failed. CIA operatives are now working on a method to entice the Saudi Billionaire to break cover, current rumours of the Spice Girls re-uniting are said to be part of this strategy.

Posted by Ben at 1:02 pm | Permalink | Comments

Within the last few minutes, pictures have come in from the Associated Press that clearly confirm that Jack Straw is not a puppet.

Straw is shown sitting up attentively to the right of Tony Blair, whilst Blair demonstrates that his right hand is not controlling the Foreign Secretary under the desk.


Jack: Not a Straw Man

Posted by Ben at 12:46 pm | Permalink | Comments

Uber-nanny Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt has announced proposals to make smoking cigarettes a criminal offence.

The move follows similar restrictions in Ireland, where smoking in public is now illegal.

Hewitt said "We are a listening Government and we are not afraid to learn lessons from other countries. That is why we backing these new proposals to restrict liberty, I mean promote public safety, by the introduction of Saudi style public whippings and limb amputations.

"Those caught smoking will at first be flogged, fined ten thousand pounds and thrown in jail for a month. Any offence involving cigarettes thereafter will result in a limb being removed from the infidel, erm, I mean smoker."


Evidence: Government to examine butts

Civil Liberties groups have welcomed the idea, joining forces for a group press conference where they chanted in unison "Smoking is bad. Protect us from our selves."

Home Secretary Charles Clarke elaborated on the enforcement aspect of the proposals: "We are an understanding Government, we know that some people will find it hard to give up smoking because cigarettes are addictive and they are weak, weak, weak people. This is why we are tackling this problem at its root cause - the mind of the criminals.

"Some time ago parliament passed some really useful anti-terrorist legislation. We are now reclassifying a cigarette as a fuse, which makes it part of a bomb. Thus lighting a cigarette is an act of terrorism, further, wanting to light a cigarette - craving, if you like - is now conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism, for which we can lock you up for as long as we like without any evidence. It's all for your own good. Shut up prole…"

Posted by Ben at 12:17 pm | Permalink | Comments

Someone needs to tell Bob Geldof that Tony Blair plays the guitar.

Posted by Matt at 9:06 am | Permalink | Comments

Respected playground figure Jacques ‘le Ripper’ Chirac yesterday issued a scathing assessment of one of his fellow pupils.

“Tony wet himself in math’s, won’t sit at the back and play cards in economics and sucks up to the headmaster like all the time”, said the fat balding Frenchie.

Jacques, house captain of Gaul House, used to be admired by his fellow pupils who often followed his lead in rebelling against the school’s controversial head teacher, Mr. Bush, but since pupils in Gaul and Reefer houses recently stood up to his bullying he has seen his popularity wane.


Loser: Chirac

Staff and pupils believe that Jacques may be picking on little Tony as he is easily isolated from the rest of the school and has strong family connections with the school – his Auntie Maggie was Head Girl and his close friend Peter has recently joined the administrative staff.

This is not the first incident at the EU School for Special Children to make the headlines, a few years ago the entirety of Feinian House were allowed to re-take their exam on the Nice Treaty due to disappointingly poor results.

Posted by Ben at 1:18 pm | Permalink | Comments

"I hope that David Cameron removes his hat from wherever he has got it, and chucks it firmly in the ring. That hat has got to simultaneously decapitate his competitors and land in the ring."


Sane: Boris

With solid endorsements like that, young Cameron will go far.

Posted by Ben at 12:48 pm | Permalink | Comments

Ian Paisley has said an anticipated statement from the IRA, declaring an end to their part in armed activity, will not be enough. He wants to see action.

Surely, if an end to armed conflict is what we want, action is the last thing we need? What sort of action is he expecting? A mass kissing of babies perhaps? An IRA help-old-ladies-across-the-road-a-thon? This is not a Scout group, it's a gang of armed terrorists/freedom/fighters/militants/insurgents/murderers (for the sake of consistency). I for one would welcome an absence of action from anyone who has killed someone as a step forward. Maybe Paisley likes seeing people die.

Posted by Matt at 12:06 pm | Permalink | Comments

Californians, not satisfied with their country's work to aid those caught in the Asian Tsunami in December, had decided to hold their own. Clearly they were feeling left out. Though things are normally bigger in America, this one turned out to be a bit of a disappointment.

Posted by Matt at 11:41 am | Permalink | Comments

Jacques Chirac has remained silent at his Euroland ranch since the 'non' verdict was announced.

His lawyer, the 'silver haired wonder' Thomas Mesereau, has spoken on his behalf to EU news networks. Mesereau stated that Chirac will no longer share a bed with young Blair and will think carefully before putting himself in situations that may give rise to allegations of inappropriate conduct.

"He's not going to do that any more," Mesereau told NBC. "He's not going to make himself vulnerable to this any more."


"He's going to take it one day at a time. It's been a terrible, terrible process for him"

Posted by Ben at 4:15 pm | Permalink | Comments

Jacques Chirac's attempts to rekindle thousands of years of Anglo-Gallic distrust have been boosted significantly today following reports that Mr Blair refused to pull Mr Chirac's finger thus ruining his fart joke.


Blair ruined Chirac's fart joke

Posted by Ben at 2:05 pm | Permalink | Comments

Thomas Mesereau, the shamanic witch doctor who successfully represented Michael Jackson in his trial for child molestation has accepted a contract to defend Saddam Hussein.

Mesereau has already been granted the right under the Geneva Convention to issue the fallen dictator with mini Don Rumsfeld, George Dubya and Paul Brenner dolls along with an assorted set of pins. Trials with the Corin Redgrave doll are said to have gone well.


Mesereau: Lawyer

Representatives for the now extremely rich lawyer said "Mr Mesereau has accepted a contract with Mr S. Hussein of Baghdad. He looks forward to proving the innocence of a great man who has killed hundreds of thousands of his own people, used poison gas to ethnically clense the Northern regions of… erm… maybe we'll be going for a procedural technicality on this one."

Sources close to the law firm have allegedly revealed that Mesereau will be paid in "vouchers for barrels of oil and sun tan lotion, which is apparently the going rate for anyone that helps out the indefatigable one".

The circus continues.

Posted by Ben at 10:17 am | Permalink | Comments

In a land where witnesses can be bought, a rich man has walked free. Justice has been served. Michael Jackson is most definitely not guilty of giving alcohol to a minor, still less interfering with a minor in a sexual way. While he's happy to admit sharing a bed with boys, this was merely because they were all tired, and Michael had momentarily forgotten that the Neverland Ranch has at least 11 other bedrooms.

I look forward to the forthcoming trials to discuss the money, rather than the law. One of the great things about America is that you can be acquitted of something in the eyes of the law, and still be sued for doing it.

(Edit: I think I was badly informed on writing this. I'd only absorbed information by accident, not being a big fan and not really caring whether some litigious family had had their son fiddled with. Michael JAckson is NOT a rich man by any standards. While the financial balance of his possessions involves enormous numbers, it's all debt, of the proportion normally associated with emerging economies, or people with infallible roulette systems. And there's no point in sueing the man for money he doesn't have. I bet someone does though.)

Posted by Matt at 8:55 am | Permalink | Comments

This blog is showing a tendency not to be silly. Now no-one likes a serious political debate as much as me. Except perhaps my wife. And some of her friends. And Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good political debate more than I do, but that's besides the point. Now I'm warning you not to become serious again! Right!

Posted by Matt at 12:51 pm | Permalink | Comments

The BBC getting' down wit the homies and churnin' out the rap on the coolest street-speak? Anyone else smell the work of Chris Morris?



Let's look at the evidence:

boom boom - a slogan of approval in inner-city London. There was much debate during the election campaign about whether Tony Blair was booed or boomed at the Lilian Bayliss Technology School in London.

bum - to enjoy something: "he bums that game so much". And there are levels of bummage - to really like something is to "bum it blue", but "he bummed it black" means he used to like it but has since gone off it.

crump - a multi-purpose term which can be an insult, an exclamation and a rather explicit sex act. It generally means bad, but can also mean good, depending on the context: "that ain't good man, it's crump" or "that's one crump message you left there".

Hmm…

Posted by Ben at 1:13 pm | Permalink | Comments

A spokesman for Damon Albarn has indicated that the Blur and Golliaz star is once again fully medicated following his recent outbursts against kindness and charity.

Albarn had shocked everyone who has any sense of decency in them yesterday by questioning whether the Live 8 concert was really the best way to help African countries.


Evil: Alborn must hate Africans

The delusional singer claimed that the Live 8 campaign was treating Africa like it is "a failing, ill, sick, tired place...my personal experience of Africa is that yes, I have witnessed all those things there...but it's incredibly sophisticated - the society and the structure of people's lives is as sophisticated, if not more sophisticated in some ways, than in the West."

We can only hope that Albone repents his savage attack on the brave and kind artists who are making a comeback for the failing, backward, starving, pathetic people living in poverty in the diseased, barren, resourceless, wastelands of Africa.


Pathetic: All Africans need our help

Only time will tell whether the misguided dissent of one pretentious rock star, someone who surely knows the power his words have over the idolising proletariat, will ruin the comebacks of some of the greatest legends in charity. The people who will suffer most, of course, are the skinny little Africans. Without handouts that ease the guilt of the West forged by bloated, drug addicted aging divas with a god complex, these poor helpless souls would have to push for trade reform to allow them to compete in the global market and build sustainable economic growth providing an incentive for political and social reform in their backward countries.


Godlike: Geldof defends the helpless

It's too early to say whether Alborn's deranged ramblings will significantly effect the amount of money that Live 8 manages to give to the brutal African dictators who live in luxury whilst suppressing their people, turning them against one another and pursuing pseudo-Marxist agro-economic policies that promote famine and more handouts from guilty Westerners. We can only hope that this time, as with the last Live Aid concert, enough money is raised to save 300,000 people from starving by giving it to the corrupt governments who used it to buy weapons to kill the poor sods with before they starved to death.

Posted by Ben at 11:57 am | Permalink | Comments

Alan Duncan confirmed that he is planning to stand as a candidate to be Michael Howard's successor as Conservative party leader on this morning's Today programme.


Duncan: Punches above weight

The diminutive Duncan, MP for the idyllic, and very safe, seat of Rutland and Melton in Leicestershire, is one of the few true libertarians in the Conservative party. Considered Thatcherite until his social ideals were fully understood, Duncan is both economically and socially liberal.

Duncan also has a degree of baggage that would give good sport to the press: he made is fortune as an oil trader in the East, living for a while in Singapore. During the first Gulf War he acted as an oil advisor for the Pakistani government building upon contacts born from his time at Oxford University with Benazir Bhutto. The Guardian don't like him much because of the oil connection. He also courted controversy by publishing his book 'Saturn's Children' (subtitled 'How the State Devours the Individual') in which he suggested the legalisation of all drugs.

His views may be extreme, his methods unsubtle and his Middle Eastern friends a touch on the shady side, but Duncan and his ilk represent the way forward for a party that has for the past decade linked fiscal liberty to social conformity. A socially liberal homosexual dwarf may not be the right man for the Tory Party yet, but getting social issues and a libertarian agenda back on the Tory table has got to be good for the party in the long run.

Posted by Ben at 10:01 am | Permalink | Comments

Aside from remarks about how everyone should be given free Glastonbury tickets to teach them peace and harmony, I was delighted to hear Jane Fonda remark that women are beyond corruption. It reminded me of a joke:

A man is emigrating, and a friend asks him why. He says:
"100 years ago homosexuality was criminal. 50 years ago it was illegal. Then they made it legal - I'm leaving before they make it compulsory!"

Maybe Jane Fonda believes that a natural progression from the Pankhursts and friends winning the vote for women (and don't get me wrong here, I am certainly not of the belief that this is wrong) is to remove the vote for men? Maybe, along with more variety of race in our contributors, we'd benefit from an incorruptible lady?

Emma?

Posted by Matt at 9:55 am | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Ben at 3:48 pm | Permalink | Comments

In a day when PResident Bush praises Tony Blair for his work in Africa, Anne "Mrs Robinson" Bancroft dies of cancer and a 15-year-old schoolgirl is found dead in a field in Bradford, I ask:

Will the Spice Girls still have it when they reform for Live 8?

Posted by Matt at 9:00 am | Permalink | Comments

I'm materialistic!

You scored as Materialist. Materialism stresses the essence of fundamental particles. Everything that exists is purely physical matter and there is no special force that holds life together. You believe that anything can be explained by breaking it up into its pieces. i.e. the big picture can be understood by its smaller elements. Existentialist 94% Materialist 94% Modernist 69% Postmodernist 69% Cultural Creative 50% Romanticist 25% Fundamentalist 13% Idealist 0% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Posted by Ben at 1:44 pm | Permalink | Comments

This creature is currently roaming the hills of Wiltshire, and is a different creature by every account. Other reports have claimed that the creature has three heads, and is as tall as a house.

A recent update reports that a gang of peasants are following it through the misty hills, holding burning torches. It is believed that the creature will lead them to the lair of a witch, who has been terrorising the area recently, cursing the Swindon population with a slightly higher incidence of warts than usual, and a reluctance to get out of bed in the morning. The witch is expected to be burned, on account of it being a first offence.


Familiar?

Posted by Matt at 12:43 pm | Permalink | Comments

Last night on Channel Four, Jon Snow was talking about the Olympic bid. London is one step closer, he said, to hosting the Olympic and Paramilitary... whereupon he stopped and corrected himself.

It made me smile anyway.

Posted by Matt at 8:51 am | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Ben at 6:31 pm | Permalink | Comments

Tony Hawks said that every time he reaches an important decision in his life, he would think about what Norman Lamont would do. He'd then do exactly the opposite. The joke is out of date, but the sentiment is a good one.

I've done two things this weekend I don't normally do. Firstly, I don't normally read the Daily Mail. Secondly, I don't normally post - both of these things are possible because I'm back home. I've just read the words 'Why Bob Geldof is So Wrong' as a title to an article in the Daily Mail. Until I read them, I had no interest in Live 8, and as little as possible in Geldof. Now I want to get tickets. If the Daily Mail doesn't like it, then there must be something in it.

Posted by Matt at 11:19 pm | Permalink | Comments

Tony vs Mike: Who will win?

Posted by Matt at 12:53 pm | Permalink | Comments

Following intelligence suggesting Osama Bin Laden has relocated to the Grampian Mountains, a 30 mile radius around Gleneagles Hotel has been napalmed, under Anti-Terror laws. No-one important has been reported to be injured, though it is believed that more than a million peaceful protesters were in the area at the time. Their families have been informed, and were told that they should have seen it coming.

In an unrelated story, a car bomb to the north of Baghdad, which today killed ten people, has been linked to insurgents. The US military has been very clear that they were insurgents, not terrorists, militants or rebels, though they have refused to clarify what the difference between these terms is anyway.

Bono and Bob Geldof were reported to be appalled, and will be working towords an 'Insurgent Aid' concert later in the year. It is expected that the area around the concert will be subject to Anti-Terror laws, and probably bombed by Chris Martin from Coldplay, with explosive cars. Martin has recently been suffering from Charity Fatigue, and is expected to snap at any moment. Audience members at Glastonbury are also advised to wear bulletproof vests during Coldplay's set.

(Aside - Do you think I got lost in too many ideas in this post?)

Posted by Matt at 12:10 pm | Permalink | Comments

With both the French and the Dutch throwing their toys out of the Euro-nannies Euro-pram about being dictated to by unelected Eurocrats, Gerhard Schroeder flying to Luxemburg for "crisis" talks, the Guardian's Economic Editor calling for the scrapping of the Euro and those pesky Anglo-Saxon capitalist Brits set to take over the presidency, one might be forgiven for assuming that the shoddy super-statist idealism that has been imposed on the whole project has finally been exposed.

Has it? Well, er no. The problem with the whole grandiose EU federal super-state idea has always been that it's been enforced rather than grown. To this extent, the diverse problems the project faces today reflect local grudges rather than a broader philosophical distaste for a federalised Europe. I say 'local', using the EU term, but what I really mean of course is national. National, when it doesn't refer to the EU super-state, is, of course, a rather dirty word nowadays.

So, what now? There are several paths open to the EUtopians, but I personally expect them to try to convince us that Europe as a continent cannot possibly function without the EU - as if the existential forces of trans-national bureaucracy are the binding particles of a geographical landmass that has existed since before the dawn of tax. Or maybe they'll come clean and admit that they've got superpower penis-envy of the Americans. Time will tell.

Posted by Ben at 5:24 pm | Permalink | Comments

Brian Haw, a protester against the Iraq War is celebrating his fourth year of living outdoors in front of his banners and placards depicting slogans such as "Blair = Bush = Hitler" and "Blair has blood of babies on his hands".

Speaking to BBC News, Mr Haw said: "I hate it. But it doesn't matter how you feel, you have to do what's right… I live from day-to-day but I hate it, I hate every moment of it."

The war in Iraq ended over two years ago, though no one has yet thought to tell Mr Haw. There have been several attempts to move him on with him once being arrested as posing a "security risk".


It's... Brian Haw - protesting against
a war that ended two years ago.

Posted by Ben at 2:02 pm | Permalink | Comments

Following Deep Throat's identity being revealed, a misled Big Brother executive has tried to contact former FBI official W. Mark Felt, under the impression that his skills lay elsewhere.

"We'd been looking for someone from the pornographic film industry, to guarantee some sort of action in Big Brother 6. When I heard about Deep Throat, I thought, that's the woman we want!"

Channel 4 have issued a statement, but I didn't bother to read it.

Posted by Matt at 9:21 am | Permalink | Comments

The mutual backslapping continues. Following David Davis' admission that Tony Blair is "almost a genius", the Prime Minister has come out in support of the Tory leadership frontrunner.


Davis: "Almost PM"

In an unusual move that will no doubt anger many Labour supporters, including Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister appears to be nominating a successor from another political party.

Downing Street officials were unable to comment on the bizarre succession, as they were too busy wetting themselves with laughter at Gordon Brown as he begged the PM to reconsider.

Posted by Ben at 5:49 pm | Permalink | Comments

Click on the next country to attack!

Posted by Ben at 4:07 pm | Permalink | Comments

The ringleaders of the planed protest to the annual G8 rock concert appeared in court today. The three plotters had planned a 'summit' of eight of the world's leading criminal masterminds to coincide with the G8 concert organised to raise money for the poor.

Members of the 'Live8' summit - its name coined to mock the work of the eight producers, merchandisers, record company execs, and broadcasters who have united to bring an end to poverty for ever - are said to include a corrupt Italian media tycoon, a Russian gangster and former KGB Agent, a Texan oil magnate and a mysterious British mercenary.


'Live8' organisers: cynical bandwagoning

Lady Elton John, who slept through the proceedings, pleaded guilty to the charges whilst the other two gang members were held in contempt of court: one for refusing to divulge his identity, insisting that his name was a noise similar to that which the Teletubbies make, and the other for foul and abuse language. The trial continues…

Posted by Ben at 3:25 pm | Permalink | Comments

Tough - France said no already, and they're more important than you.

Posted by Matt at 1:55 pm | Permalink | Comments

Suspicions that Edinburgh may have been chosen as the location of this year's G8 summit because no one really cares if it gets wrecked by the crazy hippies have been confirmed by a leaked government memo.

The memo states that [Edinburgh] "…is the correct choice because it's in Scotland so it's well away from all the important stuff like Parliament and Downing Street…"

The memo further reveals that Glasgow was considered as a suitable venue but rejected because "the thuggish natives might get ideas from the demonstrators - then we'd be in the shit… besides, at least Edinburgh is civilised nowadays and it's got a castle and some shops… Glasgow is still a shithole"

It is unclear at this point whether the leak came from the Treasury or Number Ten, or indeed that it's complete bollocks made up because there's not that much political news today.

Posted by Ben at 12:47 pm | Permalink | Comments